Entry 11

I must admit, I have been avoiding writing in you lately.  My own stupidity has gotten me into quite some trouble lately.  Ross lost his arm because of it and I am forced to travel with an escort everywhere I go.  I really don't feel like informing you of the full reason though, perhaps some other time.  However, I feel like my stupidity might just land me into another problem.  For one, the girl, Quineven, told the Captain of Ross's and my plan to skip a wedding.  So we will be forced into it, which is what I feared.  But more importantly, I fear I might be pregnant for Ross's child.  There is no doubt in my mind that Ross could be a good father to a child, but I do not think I could handle being a mother.  I am too timid and shy as well as being terrible with children.  I'm not wise enough to protect an infant.  In fact, it's my fault and my stupidity that caused Ross to lose his arm.  Cutting it off myself was the hardest thing I could have done, but I had no other choice; he had already lost all mobility in the limb.  And no matter what he says, I will always blame myself.  But back onto what I was saying, my question is, how can I be a mother?  And at a time like this?  I am a fool, my friend.  I always have been and always will be.  No matter how hard I try, my stupidity wins out.  My shield of silence wears away eventually.  Shields can be strong, but if you beat down upon them, they begin to crack and break away.  I agree with River, personal matters are tiring.