Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.
Here again she stood, her bag packed, but this time she wasn't running or being made to leave. Neyaa wasn't moving out, she was moving on.
It was true that since the Captain had left the wolves had began circling, both inside and outside of The Bloody Dawn. The man Butch had even sneered and hissed "where is Hardoleth, Neyaa?" Her response had not been that dignified, then what dignity did she have left in the eyes of many anyway? How many men had thought her fair game now? How many assumed she had not the will to refuse them? She had pushed them all away. Quineven had spat forth the cruelest words, taunting her when she was at her most vulnerable, jeering at her abandonment whilst the onlookers gathered and sneered. Neyaa wished to ball up her fist and crack open her skull, but Quineven is with child, and on reflection usually an agreeable girl. She heard whispers in corners that he would not return, some would wish it so, what manner of man or woman would swear an oath and not have the courage of their convictions to live by it? She did not envy Hyrien having to deal with the aftermath of the Captains departure...at least she had the support of two fine officers Embeth and Falarthin.
Neyaa could no longer reside in the Dawnhall. She was weary of rumour that she was afforded preferential treatment, or belief that she sang their secrets to the Captain like bird song at dawn. Her Ire had risen so much of late, she was afraid she would smite the next person to trade insults with her. She had not even been able to leave the Dawnhall without issue, for there, tapping on the door frame was Rossethor offering her an apology for his earlier behaviour. The apology was short lived, within moments he strode from the Dawnhall cursing their friendship. His words drew no emotion from within her. Too often he had spoken of mistrusting her, yet she had kept every secret he shared with her, other than when he was poisoned that time, it would have taken his life had she not have alerted Nimeway to it.
Neyaa thought of better fortunes. Ardeghon had at last returned, Neyaa missed him, her little 'Micelscop'. His words though wise, often stung, but he would always speak the truth and oft she would take comfort in his words. He told her that at times he would venture off without uttering a word to Oldiss, yet it did not mean he did not love her or intend to return. And what of her dearest friend Fiontann? She had so much love in her heart for him. He never judged her and always raised her spirits for Fiontann saw the good in all and found light even in the darkest of places. Dear little Teleyn she had promised to teach her to ride a horse. Ah, there were many good souls still within The Bloody Dawn, but why would so many not recognize hers?
It is a short walk from the Dawnhall to the house that was once Hardoleth's. Oh how she longed to have turned the key and found him inside. Usually he would be sleeping when she returned and if he would wake they would enjoy each other deep into the night...and if he did not wake he would cradle her in his arms all the same and she would drift towards her dreams against the rise and fall of his chest, listening to his heart beat.
But of course he was not there. Nor was he in his chambers at the Dawnhall, for she checked there every night before returning home. Yes indeed this little ramshackle house that used to be Hardoleth's was hers now. Worry consumes, and may have been the undoing of her wits had she not filled her days with work, study, training with Blince and Fastdred and sometimes mead when sleep still evaded her exhausted frame. She looked around, what a grand job she had made of it, the painted walls with a pretty border, the furniture fashioned like that of her homelands. She may take in any waif and stray she liked now, including a dog that she had rescued and had named her 'Orgel'..or 'Pride' in her native tongue. Neyaa still had her pride didn't she? In secret perhaps not, though admittedly only her pillow witnessed her tears these days.
'Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth...and the truth isn't what you want to see..." But Neyaa opened her eyes, opened them at last, perhaps even for the first time. She had seen much adversity in her young life and had grown stronger for it, this time would be no different. It became oh so very clear why Hardoleth left! Neyaa smiled, "Oh you have done right by me Hardoleth, you are a wise man" she whispered "You have done your best for the Company, and now they must prove their mettle". She swept the pillow from the bed and embraced it to her breathing in his scent upon it. "You will come back, and you will be proud of me and if you no longer love me it matters not because I have learned at last to love myself...I need no other love, offer yours, I will accept it, but on better terms than you offered before, you know not what I sacrificed for you!...or release me from my bonds, because I have all that I need now"
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith....
