The diary has many ripped pages behind this one, and many more attached pages with entries much like this one. The writing on those pages have paragraphs of scratched-out content; what was not marked out has been all pulled together and finally made into this one piece. The writing is sloppy, and there are many spelling and grammar errors.
Dear self,
After hours of writing and a lot of effort...I've managed to write my thoughts down.
I practice my scripture and reading each day, and each day I discover more ways to write what I desire in such a way to get it across. If not for new-found peace, I wouldn't have so much the time as I have had to advance as quickly as I do.
The more I read and write, I begin to remember him even more. Him being Deocles, who may as well have been the person to help put me where I am...I was never very close to Deocles. If anything, he was on the horsecart with all the others within the House that gave me constant grief. I never understood the thrill in writing and reading, and it may be my own fault that it has taken me so long to seek lessons, but I am not taking these new abilities to be granted.
There has been peace for weeks. It's unreal and a feeling of unease try to convince me it will not last. Gerwolf, and Thaladuin, have not caused any reason for this—but Estellin, and what we did to Warrence shortly before the treaty. I spoke to Eofare, and he told me that peace would not be true unless we proved it to be, and gave reason for them to lower their defenses.
It would be ideal for everything to be as simple as that, but can anything really be so easy? Tension is building up, and I feel as if I am going to regret ever putting down my guard. The Bloody Dawn has extended the desire for our groups to meet and mingle, have friendly competition brawls, and in general, keep peace and good air between us. They have as little desire as we to ever cross swords in honest battle, and I do not fear them to betray this word.
Harlyn wants me to take over for her, should she meet death. I would rather die protecting her than take this responsibility, I would rather follow the most violent orders. I've been through this since the start of Indignation, and though I started as a traitor, the motives of the group have altered me for good. Despite how long and how much I have experienced in the workings of Indignation, despite the effort I extend behind the scenes to keep peace between us and smaller groups forced to begin taking sides...I know that I am not ready, nor will be ready in a long while, to lead us. El, Annsuel, Firam, Balthen, Tzu...None of them carry the respect for me that they do for Harly. They follow Harly into battle without a second thought, but for I?...
I shall learn to fight. If I can swing a sword and hit a mark, maybe my cowardance will begin to fall. If I can protect myself and my comrades, surely that will place me in better light, and our allies, enemies, and men will take me seriously. But, for now...I will do all that I can to prevent my own leadership; I will die for Harly to breath another day.
Signed,
Zurich
