It has been a long time since my last entry, the contents of which can seem to make me cringe, I have come to terms with the beast within me, it is well satiated this month. I have been expanding my courier enterprises since last I wrote, my cart was assailed by brigands. Kríea's trauma will heal in time from her brief captivity by them. I am still not certain as how I managed to get her out of it and still preserve the precious Lynx furs that were my cargo. The man I had on the job, Grunt I like to call him because of his dour tendencies and named so because he is not exactly one for conversation, he merely grunts. Took an arrow. But one by one as I crept off into the woods I picked off those brigands like fodder. Twelve in total we killed, with the aid of one of the men who held us up. He performed so admirably, it was a shame I had to lodge an arrow in the back of his throat when all was said and done contrary to my word but who knows if he had any more friends in the Bree-lands, a man cannot take too many unneccessary risks nor leave someone out there who may pose a threat in future, I killed his friends, it is likely he would have sought vengeance. And I did so enjoy witnessing the light dissappear from his eyes. But I did not enjoy sweet Kríea seeing me do it. Why, I am not sure. The girl is a walking disaster zone, up to her eyeballs in debt with her landlord though I think that matter suspect as well as him. She may be being taken advantage of. We have lain together Kríea and I, I enjoy the way she blushes and so often doesn't seem to cotton on to the innuendo I throw her way. She makes me laugh, I have things in common with her though I do others. I cannot get too close. You, poor reader. Will no doubt look upon these sporadically written words in years to come after my death and try to make sense of it all. Who are all these people, all of these women that seem to come to be mentioned one entry and then sometimes never again. The truth is, I sometimes struggle to make sense of my own mind. Which can be all over the place from day to day.
Ne mæg werig mod The weary spirit cannot
wyrde wiðstondan, withstand fate (the turn of events),
a ne se hreo hyge nor does a rough or sorrowful mind
helpe gefremman. do any good (perform anything helpful).
Forðon domgeorne
Time moves ever onwards, and so must we. I wrote extensively of sorrow in my last entry, I wallowed in it for some time. Rannie and I were not meant to be, yet she was the only girl for me. Yet I feel myself developing affections for more than one woman at times and so I check myself. But why? I say it is better to simply enjoy another's company without all the strains love brings. The pain, for it has broken me in the past and will likely do so again. I sometimes ponder how I am even capable of feeling knowing the dark urges that lurk within me. Or whether I even do. But I am no longer drowning in despair, at least I am fighting it with every fibre of my being.
I know now that young Leofric, my little brother will live a good life and receive a better upbringing than I could ever provide him. That much is clear to me, the expectation that was thrust upon my shoulders was unreasonable. I do not speak of them to anyone, these days. Erinwyn, my former lover. And Rowena, my daughter. I miss her every day but I like my father before me do not feel I was ready to settle down though had things panned out differently I would have no doubt been happy to. I am not even sure anymore.
How alike we are in some ways despite our diffferences and my insistence that I would never turn out as he did. Siward, my father... was born and raised to lead men all of his life. It was never expected that I should be the one to take up his mantle. His true heir will grow up and fill those boots so I do not have to under the care of his Uncle Khyron, a man known once upon a time as the most skilled swordsman in Bree and well versed in courtly matters. Mhelindra, his nanny from being a babe will watch over him now that she is wed to the man I am certain of it. He will have many children to play with. I still miss Leofric. I still remember gentler, happier days amidst all the bad where he would enthuse to me about his desire for me to teach him to ride. I still remember the day I took him to Hengstacer to purchase his first foal. I remember the look on his little face as he came skipping down the road to me happily with joy. But, enough of this. I can write no more. Rannie I also recently found out was missing, but she will be fine, she has to be. No, I have spent too many of my last nights thinking of her.
This will not be a tirade as was my last entry. I was in a dark place, I think what you can read into these last few months is that I endure, there have been many events. Too countless to list, I spend the majority of my time simply keeping going. For a man who thinks too much can never be healthy, especially knowing my own thoughts as I do. Work, is ever the thing that gives me solace as it always has done. I cannot rest, I cannot even begin to describe some of that which bothers me still. I have here a letter with me from Dernwynn and have to sit down and read it, no doubt requesting me to be off on the road and make another shipment, no rest for the wicked.
