Once there was a girl, who greatly grieved for the love she had lost. She cried all day and night. She was like a ghost – the life continued around her, people laughed, but she was not part of it. She didn’t see her friends even if they stood right next to her and talked to her, tried to make her feel better. It was a difficult time to dear Miss Celnessyn, Skarly and Miss Ellae. And for a long time she was certain she would be like that for the rest of her life. But just like everyone else who had lost their loved ones, life continued for her as well. And eventually she forgot.
First she forgot his laughter. Then she forgot his smile and his voice. And lastly, she forgot his face and what he had looked like. First she thought of him the every single minute of the day, then once every hour, once every day and then once a week. And in a similar fashion, she visited his grave for every single day and one day she stopped visiting it. She had forgotten about him and her love for him, for her heart was now burning for someone else. Though for the girl it was not a good thing at all, no, for she had gotten herself caught in a spider’s web.
But let us take a look at what happened to the girl before she placed herself in the hands of a dangerous man. It had been two weeks since the girl had returned to Bree-town and her friends had convinced her to stay. She still didn’t wish to speak to anyone or leave her new home at Master Tylan’s estate. In the morning, she got up from the bed and ate the breakfast servants had prepared for her. Then she left the house and made her way to the garden. There she sat down by a tree, a book on her lap and stared towards the small lake, her only company being Scrap, the large hound dog.
One would have thought that she liked the view of the lake. That perhaps the water calmed her down. But in her head, she kept wondering how long she would suffer, should she swim to the middle of the lake and let herself sink on the bottom. Scrap didn't quite understand why his mistress acted like this. He showed no sadness or grief over the loss of his master, but the girl did not notice this. Perhaps she was too blinded by her own sorrow. However she didn’t dare to kill herself. No, for she feared that her friend, Skarly, would surely curse her for that. And the thought of being cursed made her feel uncomfortable. The girl thought that if she endured for now, one day she can leave Bree and then end her days.
During her stay at Master Tylan’s estate, she read a lot of books. Master Tylan had a quite impressive collection of books and she was given permission to read them. So the girl read and read. It really didn’t matter what she read, but for a moment, it made her forget her miserable life and the loss she still needed to confront. She didn’t dare to think of what had happened. She did not wish to think of it, but at the same time she couldn’t forget it. Every single night she closed her eyes and as she fell asleep, she saw what happened, over and over again, his lifeless body lying on the ground. If she could choose, she would not sleep at all. But if she wouldn’t sleep, she would run out of ways to avoid thinking of what happened. Thus she felt quite cornered.
She hadn’t been writing for some time. She felt as the words had left her, as if there was no more to write. Certainly there was much to write about, she had only scratched the surface. But she knew the end of the story was drawing near and she would need to face what had happened. She much rather read books in the garden. And as she closed her eyes, for a moment she could imagine that everything was just like before. But only for a moment. Soon she felt something was amiss and she had to open her eyes. And the beauty of the garden faded in her eyes.
The girl also thought about Miss Celnessyn. Last time they had met, she had said cruel words to the woman whom was like a sister to her and left in anger. The girl recalled promising to write a letter, telling that she was well. But she was scared. She didn’t know what she should write or if she should write at all.
“However, promise is a promise”, the girl thought to herself.
Thus on that particular beautiful, late summer day she didn’t stay by the tree with her dark thoughts. Instead she took a stroll in the garden and then returned inside. She chose a nicely perfumed parchment and expensive ink for the letter to her dear friend. The girl sat down by a table once again and before she dipped the quill in the ink, she glanced towards the window. A faint hint of warm smile was shown on her face. The girl chuckled at something and then turned back on the still empty parchment.
Then she began to write a letter. It was hard for her to write it, the words did not seem to come out easily for her. She knew Miss Celnessyn couldn’t read, thus someone else would need to read the letter aloud for her. The girl also knew she would need to write vaguely but clearly enough, so that only Miss Celnessyn would understand the meaning of the letter.
That night the girl couldn’t sleep. She kept thinking on what she had spoken with Skarly and what her friend had said to her.
“Yes, or you would have been taken. We all have the moment we die; you have not died, so you must have life to live.”
“Then you shall walk lost as a white one… and Skarly has not seen him, so you shall not… you shall be lost, ever looking and unable to move to elsewhere.”
The girl was puzzled by this; she stubbornly didn’t want to believe it. But there was a little change in her heart. She no longer wished to die as much as she did in the morning. She now understood that even if she would drown herself, she still wouldn’t see him. She felt lost nevertheless. She didn’t wish to let go, she didn’t want to forget. Then she suddenly remembered what her friend Ellae had said several weeks before.
“Don't be afraid of the sadness Miss Viljawyn. Just be glad all his personal items remembering of him, are there to remember you of the good and bad days, not just the loss.”
“Life is a laugh and a tear. Sometimes too much to handle.”
The girl thought of this for a while. Then she walked to her backpack and took out an item, a small handmade brooch. It was made by him, and he gave it to her long time ago in the place she called as the Pony. As she looked at the brooch, she recalled how happy she was on the day he gave it to her. It was the only item she took to remember him and it was something she would never give a way, she was certain of it. The brooch was her greatest treasure. She held the brooch close to her heart and closed her eyes. And then she remembered the good and not the loss. And to those thoughts she eventually fell asleep.
On the following day she posted the letter to Miss Celnessyn. The girl was certain that she would get an answer to her letter. And she was right; it came a day when the girl’s waiting was rewarded. She had been anxiously walking in the garden, trying to keep her mind occupied. One of the servants hurried to the garden, called her name and brought her a parcel. The girl was puzzled first before she realized it was from Miss Celnessyn.
The girl sat down under a shade of a tree, followed by her loyal hound dog Scrappy. She carefully opened the parcel and took out a letter. And it was indeed from Miss Celnessyn. The girl read the letter few times through, and as she read her smile became wider. After reading the letter enough many times, she searched the parcel through and found the pack of freshly made oat biscuits mentioned in the letter. She read the letter through once more as she chewed one of the cookies. Another one she fed to Scrappy, who happily ate the cookie. He didn’t understand why the letter seemed to make the girl so happy, but he was content in this. For once it was a morning when she did not cry.
However despite receiving the letter, the girl was afraid of meeting Miss Celnessyn. She was not certain why. After considering several days, she decided to see if her friend was at her work at the Dawnhall, a big house that was a home to a group of sell-swords. She got lost few times on her way, was it because she was absent-minded or that her attention was easily lost, it cannot be said. But in the end the girl found herself at the gate of the house. She was about to turn back, but then Miss Celnessyn noticed her. And within just few moments, the gap between them was closed. The girl was no longer afraid of her friend.
It was soon clear that the girl would return to home, to live again with Miss Celnessyn. But there was one problem in it. Master Welten had taken residence at Miss Celnessyn’s house. As the girl heard that he had been sleeping on his bed, she got horribly furious. For her it was as blasphemy that another man would sleep on his bed. “This cannot be allowed”, the girl thought to herself. And soon it was decided that Master Welten must leave the house.
The girl gladly took a blame of this. She had not thought of Master Welten with warm thoughts lately; as a matter in fact she saw him as a liar and a traitor. She was certain that he wished to harm her. And thus after the news were told, a feud was started between the two. Foul words were spoken and harm caused more than enough. But the girl succeeded in her wish and Master Welten was driven from the house. No longer would he sleep on his bed. However the girl did not think what kind of an effect her words might have on the poor man. Master Welten had her best interest in his mind, even though the girl could not see it.
The girl was happy to return to the place she once called as home. Before she had been certain that she cannot return and she was still not certain if she could. But when she saw how happiness the thought of it brought to Miss Celnessyn, she decided to try. After all, Miss Celnessyn also needed support and company, as his death had caused a great grief to her as well.
The following day the girl went to ask her work back. She changed joyful words with her friends, coworkers and her employer. The girl got her work back and even more: a man called Master Cole took great interest in her. She ended up spending most of the evening with the man, at the man’s shop, looking through lovely dresses. The girl pretended to enjoy herself, but keeping up a playful smile and good mood became more difficult for her as the night continued. Eventually, she excused herself and left home with a bag that man gave to her.
As the girl returned home, she sat down on the stairs with the said bag on her lap. She didn’t wish to bother Miss Celnessyn yet and she needed some time to think. She had given much thought to what Master Welten had said and she had realized something. If she ever wished people to stop speaking ill of him and her and from disgracing her feeling towards him, she needed to pretend. She needed to pretend that she is over him, that perhaps the others were correct. And this hurt the girl’s soul and heart deeply, for she still loved him with all her heart. Even though company of Master Cole was pleasing, she felt as she slowly died from inside, as her feeling slowly ate her soul piece by piece. And that is a dreadful feeling indeed.
The girl glanced down at her new red dress and then at the bag on her lap. She recalled a mention of another gift and slowly opened the bag. Underneath her old dress she found another one, the violet one she had admired. The girl chuckled softly. This was a first time in long time she had a dress that was not red. But soon her smile disappeared.
“I suppose this will be my life again”, the girl thought to herself, “Pretending.”
The girl glanced up in the sky, and admired the moon and the stars for a while. And there she sat until she sighed and went inside her newly found home.
The days passed by and the girl lived the life she didn’t care for. In the morning she got up and walked to work. In her work she smiled and served the patrons, had conversation with her co-workers. Occasionally she stayed at work until late evening, before she returned home. At home she took Scrap the loyal hound dog for long walks, wandering around the woods and fields nearby. Someone would call her foolish, for it was not safe for a young woman like herself to wander alone, despite having Scrap in her company. But she had a death wish, she almost hoped someone would have come, be it a beast or a man. But no one came.
The girl smiled as she received compliments and attention from men. She wore her best dresses to work. She giggled and teased. But yet at the same time, she could have stood in the middle of the room and stared at nowhere particular. She was like dead inside; after all the time that had gone by, she refused to let go. For what she feared the most was that she would forget.
She was right to be afraid. This was the moment when she started to forget. She no longer could remember his laugh and she could barely remember his face. She had the memories, good and bad, but those were slowly fading as well. Even though she had written some of it down to her journal, she did not dare to look at it. No, she had hid the unfinished journal beneath her mattress and pretended it was not there. And she lived her life as nothing had happened.
But the poor girl didn’t know what life had in store for her.
