Who am I? Is the question I would utter on this cool spring night. I should have stayed on those southern shores. Away from this wretched place. Most men would be pleased to meet their newborn son for the first time but I am not most men. I grow weary of my life, weary of secrets. I need to share them with someone once more or I will burst. Erinwyn once said the dark compulsions I feel, the fact that I even question them shows in me a sign that I am capable of redemption. Perhaps even reconciliation with what I am. Maybe she was right. But the urges are still there. Every time I think I am comfortable in my own skin it turns out I am not. The blood still stains my hands. It is happening again. I am following in my father's footsteps in one way too many.
As I see sweet and gentle Kriea asleep in bed, with my son and look upon the bruises and cuts she bears I can feel my cold veins warming up with the fire of vengeance. I do not even want the woman, I did not plan on this pregnancy. Sweet as she may be there was only ever one woman for me. The one who could look upon me for the monster I truly was and accept me. The girl who slipped away from me. Who has found happiness now wherever she may be. I wonder if she still thinks of me. If I had the opportunity again would I simply get cold feet and run away. But even so, whoever inflicted this misery upon the Mother of my child is about to find out what it feels like to cross the heir to Steoric's legacy. Even if said heir might be shorter and scrawnier than his forebears. I will inflict unimaginable pain on the one who did this. And he will not see it coming. They rarely do.
The lies, the deceit. A young woman told me three weeks or so past that she wears many faces. I have lost so much of my identity given the lies that I have had to propagate over the years sometimes I fear as if I do not even know myself.
So I would ask again, who am I? What is it that I even want, is this carefully crafted image even me. A man has had to play so many parts in his lifetime but now he is not even sure which act of the play he is in. There are so many thoughts swirling around my mind I have not even mentioned the fact that I have joined the Dawn. Me, forsaken of all affiliation as in the long run it causes so much pain. In a company of sell-swords. Not long after the ink had even dried I received a response to my missive from Taala. The truth is, all my natural instincts say the ache which love brings is not worth it yet I ache without it. True, it lessens over time, it becomes dull. But even a dull pain can sometimes become too much to bear. As I pause writing a small ginger child sleeps, he has my eyes but his mother's hair. I will nurse her back from sickness but I will have to confront this. You cannot run away from it forever Seaver, master of the escape though you may be. I do not think I can take up the responsibility expected of me with this woman. I am at a complete loss as to what to do.
