Fillegedhiel shook her head, a few tears spilling out onto her cheeks as she faced Xanderian, her dearest companion, "I-I do not understand X-Xan... L-Lif said…" She cleared her throat, growing angry. "...and what if I die Xan. What if I am stabbed by this cursed blade of Cily’s and die! What will happen to you then?!"
“I will weep...and my heart will break...and part of me will die....but part of me will rejoice that you let me live again....that you met me feel again....But you would take that away from me, now?” Xanderian’s voice was still a sibilant hiss.
“You would rejoice? Are you sure of this? Could you promise me this, that when I am lifeless in the ground you will have rejoiced and not cast yourself away?” Fillegedhiel drew in a shaky breath, her diplomatic demeanor cast aside in passion. "Lif loves you Xanderian. Whatever you may think. She wants what is best for you...I did not want to leave you, but I have thought on Lif's words. I do not want you to flee from this world as before, either...I want what is best for you too even if that means I must go."
The elf stared, her eyes seemingly made of ice. ''Best for me....endless nights without stars, without hope....BEST FOR ME!!?? I will never cease to mourn you when you perish, this is true, but even that is a feeling...even that is life...but you will not allow that...you would send me back into the shadow....alone...to SAVE ME? If you would save me, then find Cily and this twisted weapon the Banshee spoke of and SLAY ME NOW rather than letting me fade away alone, in despair....slay me now and damn Xandilif and her CONCERN…and damn YOU.”
Fillegedhiel groaned and fell to her knees before the elf’s rage, she rubbed her gloves over her face a long while, "...you know I only speak of this because I worry for you Xan...I worry for you at first light of the dawn and last light of the stars."
Xanderian was unrelenting…dropping to one knee and meeting the woman’s eyes. “You do not wish me to flee the world you say...you worry for me you say? LIAR! You take my world away from me before I could do something you fear I might do…MIGHT....how is this worry? How is this not betrayal...TELL ME HOW???”
The woman flung her hands up in the air and pushed the elf back, now weeping uncontrollably as she shouted. "I do not know Xan...I did not think you would react so…I thought….that you would see that I…I don’t really matter." She rose unsteadily and leaned on the table, feeling limp, "...a hundred years...a hundred years in the shadow, I do not want that for you. And Lif...if you would have seen her Xan, she was not as you had described...she was breaking. She is so disturbed about all this…for you."
Xanderian rose with her."Fille…You taught me to believe again...to strive again...I trusted you...and my sister told me I was a fool to risk myself again...and now you ALSO tell me I was a fool to risk myself, and turn away from me.
Fillegedhiel rubbed her face again and sighed. "Believe me I do not want to...I even told Lif that I would not. Yet, as I lay here all night you were all that clouded my mind. I wish not to turn away from you Xan...and though my words are but air now, I only want what is best for you, for you will live many years with the burdens you carry, whilst I will merely die."
Xanderian stared at her as if she had stabbed her....eyes growing wilder. “Best for me....do you and my beloved sister not think I can choose such a thing for myself? A hundred years or a thousand or ten thousand...it is the burdens we bear, the people we walk with, even the wounds we bear, that make our days worthwhile....otherwise life is just a long, endless mark, waiting but to die.'
Fillegedhiel moved closer to Xan though did not touch her, deeply shaken. "I did not mean to upset you dearest. I know my words mean nothing now, but I have reason to be so...so cautious of the ones I love." She stared at Xan with pleading eyes. "I have lost all that I have ever loved, I do not wish to lose you too, but better lost to me then lost to yourself."
The elf seemed to grow calmer, her voice far away nor. “I know Fillegedhiel, I know all you have lost...Yes I mourn Gem...but in mourning him he lives forever...and makes me smile anew when I think of his smile...and if he truly loved me he would not have me burn upon his pyre beside him…we must continue for those who love us...that is what I learned in the darkness...that is what I brought out with me. That is what I was holding in my hands like a flower when I met you...and your soul taught me what it all meant. Do not betray me Fille....do not leave me behind....please....I beg you.”
The huntress dropped to her knees…beaten. “Fille...I beg you…”
Fillegedhiel stared at her friend for a long moment, the silence dragging out painfully, then she finally spoke, her voice soft but certain. "If you wish that I stand by you, I will...but only with the knowledge that you shall not fade Xanderian of Imladris." She took Xanderian’s hands in her own and squeezed them tightly. “Promise me…please, please promise me that.”
Xanderian nodded but did not rise, her voice still hollow. “I will not fade…I give you my solemn oath...I will see to your happiness...and that of Cyndwin...and when all that I can do has been done I will go gladly into the west with my Lady Arahen...but it all began with you...I need you, Fillegedhiel of Gondor. I love you. Please....you do not need to love me...just do not forsake me.”
With a sob Fille embraced her tightly. "I love you with all my heart too Xanderian, there is no hidden meaning to my words and I do not forsake you…I will not…Your oath puts my mind is at ease. I am sorry I have upset you dearest. I did not mean to...forgive me."
Xanderian laid her face against the woman’s neck as they clutched each other. “Never forget what you are Fille...I told you in Imladris...I cannot do this without you.'
Fillegedhiel nodded offering a small smile, recovering herself. "And I cannot without you too Xan, but I would have, if it were what you wished, what you needed. I love you and nothing will ever change that, I will be beside you here for as long as time allows it."
The elf smiled, her voice regaining her normal tones, though still shaken. “That is all I ask...be it a moment or a hundred years....all we can do is make the time we have count for more than ourselves. I...I disgraced Gem....and I disgraced our love by hiding myself from life, by living only for war. I have lived with that shame. I will not let it happen again with us."
Fillegedhiel sighed, "So a mortal man hey?" she jibed, "I didn't think they were your type..." she chuckled lightly.
Xanderian smiled weakly..."Love is love. I loved him...and his fate broke me...but I learned to love again....you showed me…and Cyndwin...and Arahen...you taught my heart to sing again. You gave me purpose. Your trust makes me bold again...your courage makes me strong. I can only be myself with you all beside me.”
Fillegedhiel nodded, her voice firm and calm again as she found new resolve, new hope. "And I will be. We all will be. It is a promise to you now...I will not stray from your side, but do not fault me if I am to worry about you. It is something I cannot help, dearest."
Xanderian looked at her as Fille realised how broken and fragile the elf could still be inside...and how much she depended on the people she loves. She could seem omnipotent, almost godlike...but in a painful epiphany the girl of Gondor suddenly saw the price her dearest friend paid for that mask.
When Xanderian spoke again her voice was flat. "Xandilif...my sister…the Banshee...bid you forsake me?”
Fillegedhiel shook her head, "Do not be angry at her. She is your blood, Xanderian, she worries for you. She was broken when she spoke of the dangers you had faced and may face...if it wasn't for that I would have never considered leaving you. She is merely doing what a loved one would. No family would want to see their blood have to hide away again. What concerns me now is the dagger which she said was overpowering Cily...How can that be? I do not understand its power, yet I fear for you."
The elf nodded and sat. “I do not know...but it must be powerful indeed if I spoke to Cilyniton...held her in my arms...and did not feel its stain upon her.”
Fillegedhiel seemed drained but struggled to remain stern, "You must do whatever is in your power to not get harmed Xanderian. I know you want to help the girl...but even if it to claim one of our lives, you cannot and will not let it take yours...not freely."
Xanderian smiled grimly. “I understand...I will not sacrifice myself rashly...do not be harsh with me dear Fille, I will not break my oath.”
Fillegedhiel offered a small smile, "Forgive me... I believe seeing Xandilif has taken me back to Dol Amroth. She really is the very picture of a brash Swan Knight at times. I still feel tense from it...and she mentioned someone. Someone named Mans. She said that Cily was being sought by him, could help her find him…and kill him.”
The elf nodded slowly…looking stricken again. “Then...yes...I think I may understand. Poor Xandilif...'
Fillegedhiel looked confused, "This Mans you speak of, how can they be so fearsome? Is he a demon? Some kind of fell beast?"
Xanderian shook her head and looked back into the fire, remembering her sister’s tale of what befell her in Annuminas at the hands of Mans and his slavers. “Worse...he is a dwarf.”
