Found:
My ledger!
It's been a goodly while since last I bothered to write, though truth be told I've had so little desire to do so. The days have largely blurred into one, a whirlwind of strengthening my limbs, laughing at the same jokes, telling ever more ribald ones myself and occasionally finding some amusement with the local men. Few have lived up to expectations, although more than one have certainly lived down to it. Sad, really. The tedium has left me with no real wish to put pen to paper, thus I didn't even notice when my ledger fell beneath the bed! Either that, or it was placed there by Nancy. Her dislike of me remains a great source of amusement.
But what is there really to write now? All that has occupied me in recent months is gone.
Dagramir, thank goodness, is far beyond my reach and I beyond his. Though I will admit to missing his visits, as torturous as they could be, it is for the best. Time and distance will ease that ache, I know. Time and distance will prevent those unwanted, unbidden, unrealistic girlish fantasies. Time and distance will put paid to his lust for me. It's what we both need. Want in this case is, if not irrelevant, than more hindrance than help.
I hate having to be selfless. It really doesn't suit me. Damn that man for making it necessary!
Rhaug traveled north, alongside my dear darling Toddir. There was some mention of chasing after a silly girl who was, if Rowan is to be believed, too arrogant not to get herself hurt. Though I see the nobility in their endeavour to keep this woman safe, I wonder at the practicality. It seems to me that people should be allowed to make their own mistakes. If one is to be constantly rescued, one will not learn how best to stay out, or get out, of such situations. Still, I don't begrudge them their desire to go, or even their reason for it. It's proof positive that both are better people than I could ever be. Either that, or they enjoy playing the saviour to a damsel in distress. It's all the same in the end.
I would have liked to see them both again before my departure, but I doubt that is to be. A shame for, regardless of what happens in the months ahead, I do not believe that Rowan will ever look at me in quite the same way. After our last talk, I think he better understands my motivations but there already seems to be a sense of innocence lost. Perhaps it is my imagination, knowing myself as well as I do and all too aware that I am not a good person. Or perhaps he is now beginning to see the flaws in me. Does it matter? Toddir, at least, has never really judged even when he has disagreed with me most vehemently!
As ever, the men in my life are as moths to a flame. Pretty and distracting for as long as they remain, but fleeting and quickly burned away. I hope that one day I will find one who is flame retardant.
Although not a man, I also find myself hoping that Neyaa does not fall into this category. I may find her taste in lovers questionable to say the least, but I do rather enjoy her company! True, it was briefly irksome to me when she admitted that Dagramir, of all people, had asked her to keep an eye on me. Am I some child to be watched over? Some prized lamb to be shielded from the wolves? Does an injury, however unfortunate, render me unable to make my own decisions or impair my judgment so terribly that I am suddenly in need of a keeper? Ugh!
Luckily, her will to mother me quickly dissipated. From demanding that I take it easy and not overtax myself, she again fell back into the role of quick-witted and hilariously mischievous minx. Bound though she is by lover and son, still she is a woman after my own heart. There is a freedom within her, a light to her spirit, that I adore. I only wish that, should the day ever arrive upon which I find myself so tethered, I can weather it with such grace and joy as she displays. Truly, I will miss her company when I am gone.
Speaking of which, it shouldn't be long now!
My ceaseless exercises have paid off. I am now able to walk rather well even without the use of a cane, though I find it helpful to use one to get me to my feet from sitting. There really is little point in my staying in Bree-land, much less Towerglan, for longer than it takes to gather the necessities for travel.
I do so itch to be on the road again!
