Found:
Catharsis.
Regret.
We came to Harwick, Eithwyn and I. The middle-born of my three sisters lives here, so I was told, far removed from the rest of the family. I didn't expect much better from this meeting than I had found in the previous five, but I had to try.
I'm glad I did.
She was shocked to see us, but let us in straight away. She was... welcoming. How strange! I wasn't expecting that. But this has been a day of the unexpected! She was so good with Eithwyn, so gentle and motherly. She gave her an oatcake and sent her into the next room to play with her own son that we might speak freely. She made tisane for me.. and didn't throw it in my face! Wonders never cease.
We spoke at length. I told her what had become of her father, Thaelan and Randir. I told her why Eithwyn was with me. I told her of Yanna's refusal to help the girl. When I was done, it was her turn to speak and she...
She apologised.
She apologised for all of it, for all the misery she had put me through as a child, all the pains inflicted, all the hatreds leveled. She said she was sorry and I... I was ready to tell her to shove it. I was ready to tell her that she can't change what she did, that no mere words could wash away the memories or lessen her sins. I was ready to tell her that I didn't care about her remorse, that the words she spoke were for her own sake, to ease her own guilty conscience, to make herself feel better for the evils of her past.
"I forgive you."
Three little words that spilled from my lips. Three little words that changed so much for both of us. She hugged me, her tears spilling onto my shirt, relief in liquid form. And I... felt something lift from me, a weight that I had never known had oppressed me for so long. In that instant, I felt more free than I have at any other time of my life.
It doesn't change the past. It doesn't erase the pain I have lived with for so long. It does, however, promise a tomorrow in which I no longer have to be held back by it. It offers a brighter day ahead. It offers possibilities.
She asked me what I planned to do with Eithwyn. She offered to take her in. I wanted to refuse. I wanted to take the girl with me. I wanted to keep her as my own, my daughter, my child. I wanted to bring her back to Eriador, to show her the world and teach her all that I could. I wanted...
But I couldn't.
This is her land. These are her people. Hildi is her aunt. This town seems quiet enough, even with the children running around. It seems safe. And Hildi keeps a good house. It is small, perhaps, but clean and well-cared for. Eithwyn will have a good life here with a woman who loves her, a father-figure and a cousin who, in time, may become as a brother to her. She deserves the chance to live and grow happily, peacefully, surrounded by love and attention amongst a real family.
She deserves more than me.
I won't pretend that it was easy. I won't pretend that holding back my regret, denying my desires, biting back my tears as I said goodbye was simple or effortless. But I did it. I had to. No new life should be started in sorrow and after all she's been through, she needs stability and a smiling start.
I'm half a day away from Harwick now. I won't look back. I can't lest my selfish impulses get the best of me and I return to spirit her away! I can't lest my battered heart break again and again, shattered in ways that I can't even begin to fathom.
I set my course for the north, for the places and people I left behind. I set my course for the unknown, the uncertainty, the intangible. I go back for what was never mine. I go back for what was. I go back with a tentative hope that I was wrong, that the opportunity I once saw has not been missed, that something remains to salvage.
I go back, a woman in pain, but a different pain to that which I have always known. Hildi eased the pain of my past. 'Tis the pain of my present I must wrestle now. My shoulder, my back, my legs, my heart... everything aches.
But I'm not done yet.
