Found:
Great discomfort.
We arrived but a day ago, Toddir and I. For once, he did not drag his heels about departing Bree but, much to my surprise, returned ready to leave within a mere few days. I cannot say that I am unhappy for that as I had little desire to remain in Towerglan for longer than strictly necessary, yet I had little desire to come to this tattered little town either! He must be far more concerned for his newly claimed "brother" than he's letting on! But then, so am I.
We parted ways before entering town. He went straight in to seek news and a place to rest his weary bones whilst I circled around to find a place along the outskirts where I might make camp. I've no desire to set foot within the settlement itself for the people there still remember. I've no love for their well-meant prying or for their expectant faces and grateful smiles. What was done, was done. They need to let it go. They were never even supposed to know!
Happily, I stumbled across the first of my targets before ever having to set foot within the streets. She sat upon the cliff side staring out over the gorge, pensive it seemed. She was only too happy to see me, though she did almost crush my spine with hugging just to prove to herself that I am no apparition!
Naturally, she asked question after question. Naturally, I was only too happy to ease her mind with the observations I had made. After so long apart from her son, it is no wonder that Taala would be eager to receive news of Tagen and though there was little enough that I could learn from him without appearing suspicious or sinister, still I did my best for her and for him.
I do not envy her. It must be such a heavy burden to know that the life you made, the baby you carried and birthed, the innocent little soul that you so lovingly grew within and so painstakingly brought into the world, is now happy without you. It must be a terrible scar upon your heart to be aware that you are not even a shadowed shape within his mind or a barely remembered name upon his lips. It must be awful to believe that the very best thing you could ever have done for this person you have loved so strongly for every single day of their lives, was to simply walk away. It was hard enough for me to do so with both Aiden and Eithwyn and neither of those children were mine by birth or right.
I did what I could. I hope it was enough.
I really could have done without the ensuing declaration of undying gratitude, however. 'Tis nice to be thanked of course but that was all that was needed. I did a thing, the thing made her happy. A word or two of acknowledgement is all that would have been necessary. It was, after all, no hardship for me to go to the place I was planning to go to anyway but divert my attention from my own task for a short while. To my mind, there is no debt, and certainly not one of the depth that she alluded to! Here's hoping that her memory is as short as her temper.
Talk later turned to Rowan. Of course it did. Everyone is so very interested in my "relationship" with that man. The relationship that had little time to blossom before my departure. The relationship that now consists of absence, uncertainty, unresolved residual pain from several months ago and a necklace that, I am told, he still carries. I know not what the fascination for it is, but Taala, Toddir and even Neyaa in the past have been so very willing to speak upon and dispense advice concerning it.
Why, I wonder? And what am I supposed to do with it?
Do I apologise for doing what I needed to do, what he needed me to do? Do I exercise patience and restraint? Do I open myself up, baring my soul yet again so that he might shred my squishy innards with callous claws for a second time? Or do I give up and walk away?
The one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that what he's doing - ill conceived as it may be - is important. Too important for him to be distracted by interpersonal interactions with the lowly likes of me.
Nothing new there, then!
