Found:
It had to be done, didn't it?
Did it?
It did. I'll tell myself that it did until I start to believe.
I'll push it all away until it no longer matters. I'll crush it up tight and bury it down deep. I'll pretend it doesn't hurt until it no longer does and then I'll pretend some more. I'll smile and laugh, I'll sing and dance, I'll be every inch "Silver" until "Rajana" is but a dream, a distant memory, a life so briefly lived now lost to the void.
For that is what it costs me to walk away now. 'Tis not my heart that I leave in Minas Vrun. 'Tis not my integrity or sense of self-worth. 'Tis not those two saddlebags full of supplies or my pickaxe. 'Tis not my tears, unbidden, unshed. 'Tis not my hope or those tentative, delicate dreams for the future.
It is my soul that I leave behind. That piece of me so long buried beneath the facade, hidden from the world until finally, finally, I felt compelled to share it with another, to allow the woman behind the smiles to see the light of day.
A mistake made in a moment of weakness, perhaps. But one that I don't regret.
He has what he needs from me. I could do no more. I argued, I reasoned, I compromised. I offered. I gave and gave, making it clear time and again that I asked for, and expected, nothing in return. He would have none of it, accusing, recusing, insulting, berating, displaying nearly every one of the attributes he claims belong to me.
'Tis true, I have said much and I have held much back. He showed me early on that I would need to pick my truths with care - never lying, never deceitful, but never telling all - because some things were just too uncomfortable for him to deal with. So, I did. I held back. Perhaps that is why he was never able to understand. Perhaps that is why he was never able to see past the prejudice, the mask I once wore in his presence, the actions of others that he was only too eager to believe applicable to me.
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Does it matter, in the end?
What's done is done. The result remains the same. Uncomfortable truths denied, brushed aside, thrown away like moldy bread. Words unspoken and too many yet verbalised, both with and without care.
Rajana falls, struck hard, the cut too deep to suture. Her blood, so warm, so red, so sweet, pools upon the cold hard ground and as it sinks into the earth below, so does she.
Silver rises, ready with a shovel to pat the frozen soil down, to ensure her dominance from this day forth.
I feel the final beats of what remains to my heart. Thud, thud. Thud, thud. Thud....thu... It slows, it withers, it dies. Black and cracked, hard and lifeless. So much useless rock. I feel the weight within my breast, the familiar coal pendulum of years gone by, its ponderous meter once again lending its rhythm to my life.
But beneath the coal lies diamond, a voice within whispers. It shines, if only you'll look.
So, look I do and glittering there, pure, unyielding, devoid of colour or thought or pain, a jewel awaits. Patient and still, it needs only breath upon its surface and a quick polish to bring out the promised shine.
