Found:
In need of a break from the chores of the day, I decided that I would go to visit Neyaa. But first a visit to Owena's bakery! Neyaa has never tried the fare from that place, though she has heard many good things from the nanny, and it seemed a nice gesture to take something to her and her adorable son.
Owena, as always, was wonderfully charming. I stayed for a cup of tea, chatting to her and a man named Gafford. Interesting fellow. A blacksmith with a love for reading. By the time I left, I was in possession of a basket of muffins and some of her maple candies. Branston would enjoy those, surely. A trick, she said, to ensure customers keep returning. Clever, but unnecessary. After all, unless I plan to exist solely on stew and bacon, I've a need to find other things to eat and not only is her bakery conveniently nearby but her cooking is simply delicious!
Neyaa was delighted by the gift!
We spoke at length, she and I. It helped somewhat. She told me, and not for the first time, that I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps I am. She gave voice to my own concerns over whether I yet really know who I am after so long of being someone, anyone, else and argued that a trip to the east would serve no real purpose.
Maybe she's right.
Perhaps it's not about visiting the places that have caused me grief. Maybe it's not about facing these things physically. Perhaps it's about letting go from where I am now. And although it doesn't feel like much to me, she reminded me of how much I've truly accomplished.
Five years ago, I had no friends. No connections. I was alone and I preferred it that way. Now, I have several. Now, I have loved and lost, and yet gained more than I would ever have believed - or allowed to be - possible in the years before. I have amassed knowledge, skills and wealth beyond that which would have been allowed to me had I done as my father and his wife desired. I have gone from sleeping in a tent or the occasional tavern room to owning two houses; both still in terrible disrepair certainly, but that is nothing that cannot be fixed. I have aspirations of beginning a business for myself instead of just unearthing ancient trinkets for others to buy and dreams that I would never have before dared to have.
I have a life now. Something real and tangible. Something I can see and taste and touch.
I have to remember that. I have to make that matter more than all the negativity I have suffered at the hands of others, and at the hands of my own self.
Time to begin.
