"I was defeated today, with shameful ease. I have known for a long time about the existence of such creatures, but today was the first time I saw with my own eyes a wight; something so much fouler than pain or death.
I could write so many things for how this experience has affected me, excuses for my despair and ultimately weakness, how it felt - and perhaps my thoughts on why, but these are trivial things. I will not fail so gravely a second time.
Greater remarks might be made instead, of Gurthcaran, my guard and guide, who saved me during what was the most dire moment I have experienced in my life.
For all the reasons and questions for my own folly, there are a thousand more urging the discovery of why he did not falter. He was not afraid.
What does it take to drive one to such bravery? So strong that it almost seems a willful ignorance. A stubbornness perhaps. Or truly, is it the deadening and destruction of the realer part of us that should be afraid, that should feel those terrible things and despair? A coldening to the cold.
Is that the path I now will myself to tread?
What is the underlying trade for bravery? Something within me must die for a new thing to survive.
He did not merely free me of the weight, but he lifted it with me, for me. He must surely not be numb to that, though he likely prefers the thought that it escapes my notice.
I wonder how many times one must suffer before suffering becomes the norm and thence is called 'bravery' to endure.
I wonder how many times he has despaired.
I have opened my eyes now, he said.
Challenge him, he dared me."
A newly sprouted red leaf is pressed onto the paper decoratively beneath the entry.
