Things are beginning to happen much more quickly than I wish.
I received a letter from Leoffrith this morning as I arrived at the stables. He is gone away on his travels with Adriellyn. He was the person I wished most to see, and I waited too long. After reading his letter, I sat down and wept. I will not see him again for many months, and the thought is too grievous to bear. He left me a key to his house, offering it as a place for me to escape the walls of my own, sadly empty cottage. He is forever the most kind and thoughtful friend. I cannot think of how I will miss him, or the terribly long time I must now wait to see him again. But listen to me, thinking only of myself and my sadness. I know that Beoda must be equally sad to be parted from him for so long. I will therefore hope that she and I will run into each other, perhaps in town, and console each other with a hug.
Aldwyn came by this morning as well, with a huge basket of things from Owena's bakery. We sat and talked for a good while, and I was so touched by the generosity and kindness of Owena, though whether she has heard of my circumstance or not, Aldwyn wasn't sure, for he didn't offer my name while he was there. He made me promise, even forcing me to look him dead in the eye, that I would eat everything in the hamper, which made me laugh. Things grew a bit more somber after that, as I told him that I felt it was time for him to go on his way, that I was no longer in any danger, and that his life should have purpose beyond fussing and fretting over a grieving widow. At first, he would not look at me, but only drummed his fingers and tapped his foot in agitation. He argued gently, and I felt the warmth of his concern. I expressed my thanks as well as I could, though I know I lacked the eloquence that he deserved, and I did not want to grow too impassioned and weep all over the place. In the end, he did relent, very reluctantly, but swore he would linger a while yet in Bree, and still check on me, though less frequently.
I have been forcing myself to leave the cottage and not hover there in the dark with my thoughts to torment me. The stable duties keep me busy for several hours every morning, but the rest of the day is mine and mine alone
Dear Béma, how my own words strike me! I was forced to step away just now. I must compose myself before going on.
I sat beside one of the little fountains in Bree last evening. The air was not too cold, and the sunset over the rooftops to the west was peaceful. I was not seeking company, but company found me. First in the form of a very friendly and congenial dwarf named Thorbeck Bladebeard. I don't think he sensed any particular gloom about me, so perhaps that is a hopeful sign. After he went on his way, I received a shock.
I thought perhaps I was imagining things when I saw the crimson-clad figure walking towards me, but alas, he was quite real! Aallan approached and sat beside me as casually as if we had visited the day before, when in reality it has been many months. He knew, of course, of my recent misfortune, so I was spared having to relate the news to him. We talked quietly while the evening fell, and I can hardly describe how comforting it was to have an old friend at hand. Someone who's known me as long as I knew my husband, in fact, having met both of them almost at the same time. He held my hand and I leaned against his shoulder, and we fell quiet after a time, and just sat there. Despite the aching sadness that surrounded us, I felt so at home with him. There was no need to explain anything, for he knew us as well as anyone, and he has always been good at simply being there as a comforting presence. I asked him not to disappear for months again without a warning this time.
After such a day, I am worn out. Grief is a tiring burden on its own, but trying to find a way to connect with others, new faces and old friends, is just as wearying.
I miss you, my love. I hate every breath that I must take without you here. Yet breathe I must. May the day come quickly when I can take a breath without feeling this gaping hole in my heart.
