May this be an ordinary diary entry, please...no tears, no breaking down, no straying off into woeful thoughts.
The past few days have been spent in the company of friends. Inayat, Firithain, Ashwyneth. Odd to realize that we're all from the Mark! Firithain made a joke last night, asking if Hookworth were an outpost of Rohan now, which I found most amusing. I don't dare think too deeply on anything right now, because if I do, I will fall into darker thoughts. Ina and Ash, especially, are so well-humored and affable, and their jokes and smiles provide a pleasant distraction from the grief that I know would still consume me if I allowed it to.
I find myself missing Leoffrith a great deal. I think I must have begun to rely on his presence, without realizing it until he was gone. He is such a gentle and steady friend, always with a kind word and a smile. I could use a quiet talk with him now. But our talks will just have to wait. I pray that he and Adriellyn are safe on the road, wherever they are.
Springtime brings a host of new duties and tasks to the stables. There is inventory to be taken and supplies and feed to be ordered. The foals will be arriving in a few months. Summer is the heyday for it all! I look forward to the sun-drenched fields and hedges buzzing with bees and butterflies, the horses fat and sleek while the young ones prance about. I'd like to imagine that I'll be at least somewhat "back to myself" by then. But I must live one day at a time for now. A month ago, I didn't think I could live from one hour to the next.
One soul that I deeply long to see again, so much it almost pains me, is Baldmar. How I wish I knew where he was! I wish I knew if he'd heard of my misfortune. Or how to get a message to him.
Another thought that continues to nag me, is that I should take a few days and ride to the quarry. I've not told anyone, but I received another letter from the foreman, who was most kind and civil, and said that the families of the other men who lost their lives were welcome to come and speak with them, ask questions, and see the site if they wished. But then, I keep thinking of this tale I'd heard from a woman in the Prancing Pony, about a man who took a serious blow to the head while working in a mine, and lost his memory for many months. Since he didn't know who he was, no one could notify his family, and I believe she said it was near a year that passed before he came back to himself and could recall his name. And I wonder if there were men pulled from the rubble at the quarry who were spirited off to be patched and sewed up, with no one knowing who they were. And...well, I don't particularly believe that my husband could be such a man. I can't believe that, because to hope for that would be to open the door to torment and madness for myself. And I've only just begun to feel that I might be able to live again.
Yet the thought lingers.
I wonder what became of the peculiar elf. An oddly dark and beautiful creature she was, so kindly helping me with my scarf and cloak. I can scarcely recall what we said to each other now. Instead, I recall her beauty, her otherworldly eyes, her gentle voice, and the way she made me feel as if she could see into my soul. A sensation I found most troubling. I have not seen her since that night, though she swore we would meet again. Perhaps that is just one of those enigmatic phrases that her kind uses.
My mind is all over the place this morning! I suppose I can forgive myself for it.
I mean to speak with Firithain soon, preferably alone. There is much that troubles him and weighs on his shoulders, but we have not had much chance to speak without others around us. I get the sense that he wishes to unburden himself, with the keen way he looks at me. I often find him staring, though not in an untoward manner at all. If my eyes find his, he smiles, and his smile puzzles me. It is not a smile of joy or happiness, but of placating, as well as wishing. I know it because I think my smile must look much the same these days. I smile to say "Yes, I know, you feel sad for me, but I am not yet shattered, so please, say nothing" and also "I know you wish that I were happier, and I wish it, too, so thank you." Funny how a glance can say so much.
I could ramble on and on, I think, but I must get my day started. Ina and Firithain have promised to help me begin inventory at the stables, so I must start preparing.
