Found
"Never blame yourself for someone else's behaviour," That's what I told her when she apologised to me on his behalf.
Never blame yourself for someone else's behaviour.
But isn't that what I've done all along? His accusations, her claims, their prejudice, distilled and condensed within me. I've let it happen time and again. I've taken the blame. I've shouldered it. I bore it like an overly laden ox, too stubborn to shrug it off. I've dragged it around behind me like a creature with its tail caught in a trap. I've carried the weight willingly and unwillingly for so many different people and for so very long. Every time. Every time the same. Every time I get close to someone or wish to. Because I don't know any different.
But I do.
I am not a doormat. I am not desperate. I do not require their validation or their approval. I will not suffer the childish taunts, misplaced tantrums or mindless finger-pointing any longer. I am done.
I never did before. Before all of this. Before life changed and I found myself broken again, beaten again, trampled so far into the dirt that light was but a distant memory. It's been a difficult road, a steep learning curve. To fit in with these people, to adjust to this unfamiliar existence of friends, lovers and ex-lovers. To find a new place amongst instead of apart from. It's an adjustment that I must make, a path that I must learn to navigate, but not like that. I will not be someone new for this. I will not be someone else. I will not change to suit others, to make their lives more sedate and pedestrian.
And perhaps I will never be what they want from me. I will never be the genteel woman in a dress, barefoot with her hands covered in the efforts of her latest culinary masterpiece. I will not be the tired woman with hands cramped from endless hours of embroidery or darning. I will not be the little wife, the mindless drone, waiting upon her husbands every desire and whim as if there is naught more to life than pleasing him.
That's not me.
I will not be the one to apologise for someone else's transgressions. I will not be the one to chase after someone who hurt me, begging for another chance to prove my worth in their eyes. I will not be the one bearing their sins, their hatreds, their expectations.
I will be me; Accomplished. Proud. Playful.
I will be me; A woman in trousers with thoughts and preferences of her own.
I will be me; A terrible cook with a dirty mind, only one ear and several lifetimes worth of experience, knowledge and baggage.
I will be me. And I will be accepted for it or not at all.
"Never blame yourself for someone else's actions. You are accountable only for your own."
