Found:
I have never been the most trusting of people. With my background, how could I be? Those who I should have been able to trust from birth hurt me relentlessly, those few I have put faith in over the years have always abandoned me and the life of a treasure hunter, the rivalries and ruthlessness inherent in the business, demands a certain level of paranoia if one is to survive.
Yet I found myself trusting him. That gentle man with the willing ear, the rare smile and the stolen kisses. I trusted him enough to tell him so many things, from the truth of my background, to my fears and dreams, even my name. I trusted him as I had no other.
And then he became a monster.
Trust once broken is difficult to repair. There's always the underlying question; will you betray me again? That leads to; can you do so if I don't let you? And expands into; best not give you that chance.
So, why am I giving him that chance now?
He's agreed to return to Towerglan with me. Though not for his sake or to ease my mind, but as part of a bargain to keep Taala and her baby safe. I don't blame him; I'd have done the same in his place. I understand and sympathise with her wish to continue on as she always has, to be true to her nature and keep fighting, keep herself involved in the business that has been her life for so very long and, in so doing, be right there by her beloved husband's side. But I also agree with Rowan; she risks too much in doing so.
Of course, playing "Who Can Be More Stubborn" with Taala was not the best of plans. If she had not seen reason, he would have stayed here and risked his health further, leading me to question his motivations entirely. Once, long ago, I'd have believed it to be an inherent selflessness on his part - wasn't that the man I knew? - but now... I wonder.
After all, what has really changed? All those warning signs I should have seen back then but didn't. they scream bloody murder in my face now. I can't ignore them this time. He still asks but never answers. He still evades and misdirects. Even the most innocuous of questions asked become long drawn out battles of words that result in no answers save the ones I already knew; he doesn't want to say. It is as tiring as it is concerning.
Back then, I would have left him to his privacy. That's exactly what I did. I knew what he was doing - turning my questions back on me - and I let him. If I pressed, he would become even more close-mouthed, even annoyed sometimes. If I didn't, if I let him have his way, he would use it against me, accusing me of being self-centered. So in the end, I stopped asking, and even that was thrown back in my face.
But I don't have that luxury anymore. I don't have the luxury of playing this unwinnable game of his. I've invited him into my house, to see him safe, to see him rested and recovered. But I don't trust him and he is giving me no reason to try. Bringing him back to Towerglan is a risk. Letting him stay under my roof even more so. For now, he is sickly and weak, but he won't always be so. He will grow healthier and stronger, and then what? Will I awake in the night to find his hands around my throat again? Or worse?
He may not see it but these seemingly pointless questions help to build that trust. I'm not entirely certain that mine for him can ever be fully repaired. I'm not sure that he will ever trust me. But it has to start somewhere, doesn't it? It has to start at the beginning.
Or else we can go our seperate ways once and for all.
