I continue to see a shifting within myself these past weeks. Ever since my time spent with my grey companion. Do I regret what happened? Yes, and no. I cannot explain what it did to me, but it feels as though it was something necessary and inevitable. Some breaking of an old bond that has freed me to seek more of myself again. Yet it has clouded what fragile clarity hovered between us, and made it all the more impossible to exist close to him without feeling bitter and sad. I cannot put my finger on why. It is not something I wish to think on too deeply. I do not know if it can be overcome, and some kind of friendship and communion restored. A heart is a treacherous and unreliable thing sometimes. He said that he was leaving the Riddermark, and yet I think I saw him not many evenings ago, by the river near Edoras.
When I think on these matters, I feel an ache in the center of my being. My mind is too cluttered, my heart too full. Not all of it is bad. But there is not room for all of it, nor can I find a way to sort it out and make sense of things, least of all myself. I have now told nearly everyone who would care to know it, about my upcoming travels, which I pray will provide the cleansing of thoughts that I so desperately seek. I hesitate to tell the last person.
I told him last night that I was his friend. He has repeatedly said that we are not friends at all, as he cannot see past his base desires as a man. It was an odd sort of relief to hear him say this at the time, since I (in my typical naiveté) always believe someone to be as heart-seeking and sincere as I am. And his harshness and brutality would bruise me whenever they peeked through. Now, I understand him better, though I believe there is more beneath the bull-like facade. I will not poke and probe at it, however. It will come to fruition on its own, if it is meant to. The tiny glimpses of kindness and humanity are enough to sate my hopes for now. The past few days have been dizzying in the arc of emotions that have played out. From laughter to terror to quiet, polite converse. I am glad for another ride to Edoras soon to breathe a little. I hope to see the Lady, and perhaps my dearest Gamferth.
I should write to Cesistya again before I go. Her letter brought me more smiles and tears than I have experienced in a long while. I keep it in my bag with my other precious keepsakes; the journal from Belodin, the ocarina, the carving that Baldmar gave me, and of course, my wedding ring.
