“Bu-but, no one else is fit for the role. Isn't it my duty to put my personal feelings aside for the whole battalion? What if no one else volunteers? Am I the only option? Am I fit?"
In the office of one of the Noldor commanders, Mistarennye sought refuge. She had requested a meeting with Hravanis, one of the High King’s closest – and one of the people Mistarennye most looked up too. In the silent room, watching the blond seated at her desk, Mistarennye’s mind was corroded with confusion. A burdon.
"You cannot be the only option. There are more than ten thousand tested soldiers within Hithlum alone.” Hravanis spoke with such boldness, such authority. She was a natural leader, strong and courageous. Her muscular, towering frame was not reduced by the fact that she was seated behind desk. Her voice was calm, suggestiong. “And even if that was so, it would be better that the company disband, rather than be led by an unsure and conflicted hand"
Mistarennye looked up, eyes widening. "It's not that I'm conflicted - I mean - Calaindo had different tactics than I would prefer to use.” She looked down again, remembering his heartless, frozen demeanor. “He was cold, ruthless. He did what he had to do. We all hated him, but he did not care. He only cared for the mission.”
She remembered all the arguments, all the frustration, of her late leader. “Thing was, he was careless and had zero value for life... he caused so many unnecessary injuries and deaths. I...”
Her voice began to crack. “I-I am confused as to how I would fair. Correct his mistakes? But I never was able to stand up to- Oh! You are right! I am unsure and conflicted... but..."
She trailed off, falling into silence. As her head swarmed, Hravanis leaned back in her chair with a steely expression. "The fact that your last Captain was both cruel and incompetent has no bearing on you or your decisions. Indeed, after suffering such leadership I would be inclined to allow your Soldiers time to recuperate and gain distance from one another under better and kinder command. Such leadership as you were shown can set a rot into a regiment."
Mistarennye slouched for a moment, then remembered herself. Always formal and disciplined, she straightened up again. Placing her hands behind her back, she fiddled her fingers away from seeing eyes. "He... was not incompetent. Despite high injuries and casualties, we generally have had successes..." She flinched. She was not defending her dead captain as an ally. Rather, she was straightening out the facts. She shook her head, getting back on track. "We do need time to recover, yes. But duty waits for no one and the decision must be quick." Her words started hastening, her thoughts racing as her anxiety rose. "Everyone looks to me. Telpado has always been a mess, Alasnorean is too timid, Alasiel is... Alasiel..." A brief scoff of sad amusement foreds over thoughts of her friend's inadequacy as a leader. Then, she pulled her hands out, holding them out in front of her. "They all have their own strengths. Yes. But they are no leaders..."
Hravanis paused; but her expression remained its usual severe counternance, unreadable at the best of times. Eventually she replied in a measured way. "High injuries and unnecessary casualties are a mark of incompetence, and it worries me that you do not consider it so. The more you tell me of this company, the less I believe it is worth preserving. But-" And perhaps her tone was a little clipped, "That decision is not mine to make. But I stand by my words nonetheless, why must a new captain be enlisted from within your own ranks? There are a number of Lieutenants I would recommend after just a moment's thought."
The young elf's face turned red. She bit her lip. A rare flash of personal offense coursed through her like lightning. Hands at her side, she took a determined step forward. "Of course, all the deaths were a mark of incompetence! It made me sick! He was willing to leave any injured behind during an escape because they could slow us down! He-" She paused, a sharp gasp released as she took a step back. Still red, she assumed an at attention stance. "I apologize. I spoke too brashly."
She closed her eyes. Her fears of her own incompetence surfacing fresher than ever. She did not realize herself whispering aloud. "If-if I cannot keep my composure..." She shook her head, desperately attempting to clear the thoughts in her head to no avail. Through usually misty eyes, she looked at the stern, bold, collected, Hravanis. Dignified Warden of the High King. If only she could be like that! She knelt in gratitude and underground admiration. "Thank you. I shall take your advice into consideration."
Hravanis weathered the outburst in silence, the only reaction it garnered was a slight rise to her brow, surprise perhaps. She knew her well enough by now to know this is rather unheard of for her. Her finger tapped on her desk in silence for a moment once Mistarennye was done, thoughtful and considering, before she swept to her feet in her usual fluid but powerful way.
"Up up," she huffed, waving her hand in a sharp commanding way and coming to tower over the young elf. But her manner is not... as heartless as it might be. She held her gaze unflinchingly.
"Disgust, righteous anger, and the boldness to express them are good traits for any Quendi to bear.” She started. The young soldier dared to look up. Hravanis was cool and powerful. “But in a commander, they are absolutely essential. We are at war and soldiers who sense even the slightest indecision in their captain's orders will be far more ruthless than I. You must make quick, sure decisions and then defend and hold to them as if you are certain of their rightness, but no one can ever be certain of anything, least of all in battle.”
As the girl’s eyes shadowed in thought again, the Warden finished. “So, can you look into the eyes of these friends of yours and lie? Convincingly? Through your teeth?"
Mistarennye flinched, even when her mentor figure was not demeaning. Just the idea that she somehow did wrong... Was it within a leader to maintain order? To keep the group collected and calm or else panic? As she silently rose, her confusion was amplified. The final questions searing through her heart.
"Lie?" She croaked, tears started to form, yet she hastily wiped them away. "I couldn't..." Slumped down, her head was lowered to the group. Feeling beaten, like a failure, she whimpered. The firm soldier was replaced with the sensitive child she never grew out of, just learned to cover. "I can't do this..." Still unable to meet Hravanis' eyes, she spoke through the insecurities deep down. "I can't fail them... but no matter what I will..."
Hravanis was usually full of composure. She was certain, mighty… Yet, her face softened as she lifted her hand and placed it gently on the girl’s shoulder. This was a child soldier, like she had been herself. She hoped she could help her not to make the same mistakes she did. That was why, after all, she took her under her wing.
"It is no failure to admit something is beyond you, Mistarennye.” Her bond with her, her conviction, bled through the soft yet vested words. “This burden is not on your shoulders. An army has structure for good reason. The lives of soldiers should never be left in the hands of one single person."
The feeling of a tender hand on her shoulder caused Mistarennye to finally look up in a shy, timid way. The surprisingly calm words seem to apply soothing herbs onto the cuts she felt. Hravanis had been the first person since her parents, still in Valinor, to take her in like this. To care for her well being, teach her. She felt safe with her here. Finally, she started to see a light.
This burden is not on your shoulders. She raised a hand to wipe her teary eyes. She sniffled. The release of pent up emotions still bled out. It was not a failure. Silence fell over them. Mistarennye had spent so much time obsessing over this. So much time, in fact, she took it all upon herself. If she were to somehow take on leadership, would she always have to suffer this? How would she bear it? No. She would not bear it. At least, as far as she knew for now…
"Thank you..." She whispered to Hravanis again.
