I guess I were wrong about things. He weren't being kind or nice or good. He were just doing what was easy and made his life easier. Or that's what it sounds like to me. I don't understand it, and I don't like things that I don't understand.
I spent all afternoon and evening with him and Doc. Doc were so kind and friendly! We took a walk together, all three of us. Doc seemed surprised that he were invited along, but happy about it. I wouldn't leave him behind! Trying to have any sort of easy conversation (?) with Mister Dimheim seems impossible. It's like pulling teeth, as they say. What a horrible way to describe something! Who came up with this saying, anyway? I asked them both if they like the view of the creek beneath the bridge, and Mister Dimheim said it looked the same no matter which way you turn, just grass and rocks. I said I thought grass and rocks were beautiful things. Mister Doc said he thinks sunrises over the mountains where he came from are beautiful things. Of course, when we asked Mister Dimheim what he thinks is beautiful, he didn't want to say. It frustrates me when he does that. Because he doesn't say "I'm not going to say", he'll say "you don't want to hear it". He can't be doing that! He can't be putting his own ideas onto other people, and words in their mouths, and speaking for them. It's not right and it's not fair. If he wants to keep it to himself for his own reasons, then that's fine. But don't be trying to acu acku point at someone else and tell them what they think about you. You don't know what they think. Only they know what they think. In the end, Mister Doc and I both said we did want to hear his answer, and he finally did tell us. And it were nothing shocking at all.
The rest of the evening were more of the same sort of thing. Sometimes I think I see a bit of something in him, some kindness, some warmth, some friendliness. But then it turns out he were just studying and watching me like a bug under a glass. And then I feel sad. He wanted to know why I were laughing at something, and why I stopped laughing when he looked at me. And then he tried to get Doc to say something else so I would laugh again. And to me, that sounds like a man who wants to see his friend happy, like he were getting some bit of enjoyment from seeing her laughing. But no, turns out he were only just wanting to see me happy because happy people are easiest to be around and talk to.
I can't sort through all the things I think and feel about all this. It were my own fault, though. I'm the one who thought we could be friends, I guess. I don't know what friendship even means to Mister Dimheim. I don't know if he even believes in having friends, since the word itself brings up things like caring and love and happiness and warm feelings. And he doesn't seem to have the faintest notion of what any of that even is. I don't know how to feel about someone who doesn't seem to feel anything at all. But it were my own doing, to try and be friendly to someone I had no business being friendly to. He's my doctor and that's all. And that's how it has to stay. I were right when I said a stupid girl from a farm had no business being friendly or conversational with someone like him. Maybe I weren't right for the reasons I thought at first, but that doesn't matter.
He said he were sorry that he can't be like other people. My heart broke to hear him say that. On one hand, I wish he could be a bit more like other people, because no matter what, I still feel like there's a heart inside him somewhere. He is a man, after all, he's got a heart! I don't know what he's done with it or why it's locked up so tight, but it's there. But on the other hand, I don't want him to beat himself up over any of it. He doesn't owe me or anyone else anything except his own honesty. And if this is honestly who and what he is, then there's no apology needed. My own sad heart is mine to deal with. I told him I would do my best not to bungle anything up between him being what he is, and my feelings being sad or disappointed. But I can't help that it hurts a little, when someone seems to be being kind to me, and then I find over and over that they aren't being kind, they're just being...I don't know. Like one of them masheens (?) you hear tell about, though I've never seen one with my own eyes. Made of wheels and things, it just turns and chugs about and it seems like it's alive because it's moving and it's doing things, but it's only just wheels and cogs. It'd be like a masheen telling you something nice, and you feel all warm inside, so you tell the masheen something nice back, and it just puffs smoke and asks you what's wrong with you, it were only making a remark about you, it doesn't actually care if you liked it or not.
The thing is, once you feel fond of someone, you can't put those feelings back in the box. Once they're out, they're out. And you have to do something with them. If the other person won't accept them, then you have to hold them in your own two hands and look at them and find some way to... get over them. I been sitting here working on the socks he asked me to knit. Just telling myself over and over that he's the village doctor and that's it. Just the doctor. Medicine and herb teas and advice when you're ailing. That's all. That's it, Taite. Forget anything else you thought. He's not your friend. He's just the doctor.
