Today is wednesday

A person is worth as much as their deeds. If you do nothing, you are worthless.
There is nothing worse than a worthless person. When somebody sets into that, they rarely make any good of themselves. But pain makes them remember. When you hurt a worthless person, they remember. Every time they stub their toe or a horsefly bites them, they remember. And they strive to do something, help others, to be of use and of worth.
Pain is not the teacher, but pain is the greatest reminder.

I've been taught that for almost all of my adult life. They all were. Some of them were already used to it and I never saw any of them hurt, but some others of us had to be taught that lesson thoroughly. I was, and so were the other greenhorns with me. I think I was the only one that lasted until the end with my group. It was a rough, but fair life. I was useful. Now, I was left behind. I wasn't good enough.

I promised Elias that I would start writing down each time I feel like I deserve pain. So I will start. Today, I slept in late. I deserved pain. I took a knife and held it by the handle, then hit myself in the hand with it three times. It ached, and I remembered. I did not damage myself, because then I would be useless for at least some time, like with the fingers from punching a wall in anger. That pain was a reminder on itself.

I don't want to make these entries grim and sad alone. So I will also write nice things I saw. Today, it was a butterfly. A late one, landing on top of one of my crops. It had blue spots on the wings, that looked like they were opalescent when the wings moved. It made me smile and it made me forget. For a while.

I felt... happy. Like during that dance in my home, like when I talked to Ruevir and we seemed to be getting along. Before I botched it all with a stupid joke.
I'm not sure what do I want anymore. But that feeling, of belonging and happiness, must be there.