Found:
I have spent the day away from the house. Out early and back late. Am I avoiding him, I wonder? Or just needing to be out of confinement?
My thoughts wander, but oh so frequently fall back to the same topics. The same questions.
I have promised to tell him everything. The thought fills me with dread. Truths guessed at by Taala long ago, but only confirmed by silence. I have never actually spoken the words before. Can I? Should I? The first time I told him of my past, I kept it to the more pleasant parts and even then he claimed that it could not have been as bad as I recalled. That the Free People would not treat one another in such a fashion. What reply, then, when I confess the worst and what it led to? Will he deny the veracity of my words again? Or, worse, will he pity me for them? Will it influence his decision?
I don't want it to. That's not my reason for speaking. One should play no part in the other.
Perhaps I should wait. Stall. Keep my mouth shut and my past buried.
But I promised.
But I'm not ready.
But I never will be.
But it needs to be said.
I'll tell him when he asks. A fair compromise.
In the meantime, I distract myself with others. Dernwynn, usually, and today, Gregwald, who offered to wear a false beard if it would aid me in overcoming my dislike of our age gap.
Ah, but the boy does make me laugh. I appreciate his banter and his willingness to make a fool of himself to make those around him smile. He even managed to drag me out of my dark pit today. I have promised to visit him in the Forsaken Inn soon, and so I shall. Even if I do recognise my willingness to do so as another excuse to get me out of the house.
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
