Found:
I didn't expect him to come by last night. Nor did I expect to hear that he had not seen Woad since our meeting. I would have thought she'd gone back and told him everything. Perhaps she became distracted by the elf and the Ranger? She did mention meeting them as being a dream of hers, although the latter she has already spoken to before, even if she didn't know what he was at the time.
So, I informed him of what occurred between her and me, albeit not in great detail. What women talk about among themselves is not for the ears of men! He seemed both heartened and upset that we got along so well. More misplaced guilt. This time over having no wish to come between two women who have only met the once.
Silly man.
Is it so hard to understand that I would not hate her, no matter what happens? Is the concept of my being happy for them, should that be the end result, so difficult to wrap one's mind around?
Yes, it would hurt. Yes, I would survive. I always do.
Of course, that led to his mention of that being a part of the problem. I've suffered so much, I've been through so much, I've been hurt and hurt again, and though I always survive, it leaves its wounds nonetheless. I can't dispute his logic there. It does.
But so what if I am, when all is said and done, a veritable tapestry of scar tissue and defects? I heal. I survive. I get on with my life. What else is there to do but continue?
I've tried giving up before. It didn't work.
One thing has become clear, however; I can't tell him the rest. Not yet. He's so quick to find things to blame himself for, to feel guilty for. I can't let him use that to make himself feel worse. I won't. If he is to learn of this, then it cannot be until afterward. After he's found his stability.
It's convenient that it allows me more time to keep those words inside, true. I can't deny how that might look. But nor can I deny my unwillingness to let him use my past as a way to flog himself bloody.
What happened back then was out of his hands.
What I have done since was my choice.
