Found:
Clarity.
This last week has been eye opening in many ways. It comes to my attention that the illusions I spun for myself over the decades were but pale imitations of what could be, born of a longing for something that, at the time, I could not allow myself to have. The faceless hoards and their place within my past may have been necessary then, but I know now that whilst they may have scratched an itch, they could never have filled the hole in my mind, heart or soul.
Can he?
I am loathe to say that he is or he has, for the time has not yet come for such sweeping declarations. But, perhaps without meaning to, he has taught me much of what I was missing and is showing me what I - what we - could have.
Though we both know it is much too soon for such realities, still we have engaged in conversation concerning the future. A life. A child. It would be a beautiful one, I think. On occasion, I catch myself wondering about it; Would it be red of hair, or dark like him? Pale of skin, or with a tone more akin to mine? Girl or boy? I push such thoughts aside quickly. Best not to put too much stock in such things, not until the time is right. For now, enjoy what we have and see where it goes.
In the meantime, I've errands to run, including that of learning more about these winter festivities. He has little love for such things, but is willing to attend for my sake. I'd much rather he be allowed comfort and peace rather than discarding both, even for an evening, just to make me smile but, as he says, perhaps he will enjoy it.
(What follows is a lengthy and graphic depiction of a dream concerning Silver and a mutual friend, getting up to some very NSFW things. Not a word of it is true, not even that she had such a dream. It is added purely to torment Rowan should he choose to read her diary.)
