Found:
My dreams have been less than pleasant of late. They are nowhere near as bad as the guilt and self-loathing ridden horrors I endured after my return from Rohan but they are enough to disturb my sleep all the same. I had been slipping from the bed a few hours earlier than normal, hoping not to disturb Rowan with these night time annoyances. I knew he would worry and ask me to speak of them, but what is there to say? They are naught but old memories stirred up by my recent confession. I have lived through them already. They cannot harm me anymore, especially since I can actually awake from mere dreams.
Still, he noticed my absences. He seemed a little put out that I had thought to deal with this matter alone. I cannot blame him and will make a point of including him in the future, regardless of how trivial a thing I believe it to be.
We went for lunch at the Pony. It was, by and large, a quiet day. The place was mostly empty. We were approached, however, by a most interesting dwarf by the name of Zurri who had a proposition. He wishes an escort for a return journey to the Lonely Mountain at a hitherto undecided time after Yule. Rowan, of course, agreed. 'tis the sort of thing he does and I would not ask him to do otherwise! He was less than enthusiastic about my decision to come along as well.
Certainly, there are dangers along the road, as there have always been. Certainly, those dangers are now more heightened for me given my current mobility issues. Certainly, Rowan is a protective man who wishes me safe. I understand his concerns. I even appreciate them, as strange as that may be.
But this may be my last chance to go on such a trip. What if this was the last summer that I could walk without my cane? What if I never again recover full movement and strength when the seasons turn? What if this time next year, I am expecting or even nursing a babe?
Even were none of these things to be so, what if he fails to return? How would I know of his fate? How could I forgive myself for it? I've only just gained the man. I am not eager to so easily let him go without me yet. Not when I can be there with him.
Next year may be different. Next year I may have no choice. But this year I do.
A compromise has been reached; at sign of danger, I am to retreat to a safe position and, only when it is passed, will I return to check upon him. It grates, but I must admit that it is the best way. I would be little more than a hindrance in a fight right now, a distraction and thereby a danger to my companions. So, as much as I hate it, I will abide by this.
In the meantime, I have returned twice now to see Elias Dimheim. Once at the behest of Jackilyn who worries for his health but feels that her presence is unwanted. And once to accompany an overly exhausted Atharann, in part to ensure that the stubborn fool got there in one piece, and in part to make sure his sleep deprivation did not cause him to do anything stupid.
Elias, whilst certainly not in the best of health, does not appear to be upon Death's threshold, as I had been warned. But then, I am neither a healer or a stranger to hiding one's weakness and he is a proud, stubborn workaholic.
A part of me wonders if I might track down the woman who helped me with my back so long ago and send her to him. A part of me thinks that would not be a good idea.
Onto brighter things, though; a dwarf by the name of Balnirar has offered to craft a cane for me, superior to the one I currently use. This may help along the road ahead. And Elias gave me something to help me sleep through the night. Hopefully it will work.
He's not failed me yet.
