Jan. 5
The ‘need’ to write in this journal has lately felt like a chore, but I finally have the ability to sit down and do so. I will, because it gives me a semblance of organization.
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*Maurr and I went to Frostbluff. The time was wonderful; my heart was warm though my hands were cold. We observed the stars, then threw snowballs — he once took my hand in his to heat it! I suppose his being born in the cold Blue Mountains warrants him to run hotter than I, and he wouldn’t listen to my claims that I had gloves I could don. Then we watched a show, then ate, then stood by a brazier for a long time in conversation; the talk tugged at the strings of my heart.
*Checked on Taite. Her leg’s well, and her disposition’s fair.
*Elias is terrible, the damnable doctor. Quicksilver, quicksilver, quicksilver — that he, an already unhealthy man, would unwittingly hurt himself further (and for how long was he eating it!?) — my heart breaks. I tell myself reassurances: The problem has been removed, he is being taken care of, he will live, Kithri and Master Aeruthuil are there almost always.
*At least I gave Elias the letters from Bíld and later had Mänik give Finnric his.
*Maurr found me at my home the night after I learned of Elias’ ailment. I’m grateful that Mänik was out on flight, for I ended up crying as always. Eventually I managed myself, and Maurr managed himself, and we managed each other — and he stayed the night before leaving in the morning for the Shire.
We spoke of the future, which I have been thinking about very often lately, though I also told him some of my past — mostly my Dale-family.
We spoke of potentially making my own infirmary; wouldn’t that be something, apprenticing Man-children? Neither of us believe we’ll have beardlings of our own, so we jested that being Dwarvish Uncles to young manlings is next best thing. And perhaps Rofda or Bíld or Blovurr (who I still know little of but anticipate meeting) will have beardlings that we can
Look at me, writing so presumptuously! ‘We’ and ‘us,’ I say, as if there is a we or us at all. I would like to be part of his family’s life and future but that doesn’t mean it is any sort of definite. Perhaps Bóurr will hate me. Perhaps Hróda will hate me! Or Blovurr, even. One of them will at least; it isn’t possible for every member of such a good family to enjoy my company truthfully. It isn’t.
*I miss Maurr. I hope he does well in helping find the lost beardlings. I hope he returns swiftly and safely.
*At least I have been befriending (?) Master Byrge. I’m beginning to find his shyness endearing. He once had me borrow his cloak because it was raining, and I returned it cleaned. And once I put salve on a few bruises he had — I didn’t pry, but I have a guess on what may have happened / caused them. I once embarrassingly asked him if we could be friends, and he worried that I would lose clients by being seen with him; I think if a client wishes not to be healed by me because of a Dwarf I enjoy, then the client is not worth it.
My only qualm is that he stands so close at times! So that I can see every crease in his skin or hair between his brows, so that I can count every eyelash! Despite this, he’s a fairly good cook — Maurr paid him to make a few deliveries to me, how considerate. Though I worry that th
*There was a feast hosted by Taite. I was too busy with the Soothery to go, but I did later bring by soup (made with M. Byrge’s mushrooms!) that was enjoyed (mostly by me).
*There was a ball at the same location as the Harvest Potluck. I was too nervous to go by myself. If Maurr had been at my arm, then I think I would have the confidence, but he wasn’t, so I stayed home.
*I yelled at Kithri, which I feel increasingly ashamed of every time I remember it. Once I tried to see her recently, to apologize, but got scared and left before she knew I was there. I’ve not gone into the Soothery since. I've felt worse and worse since.
*At least Bíld and Rofda and Cyanite are returned. Cyanite I had a long conversation at my home. I told her of my being in love. Of course she was and is nothing but supportive kindness. I thought telling her would feel as if a weight were lifted, but it is hardly so.
*I keep going to the Prancing Pony in the evenings so that I can see other people after being holed inside all day. But by the time I’m finally willing to leave my house, I know everyone at the Soothery is resting, so I continue to not visit there. At least I see Bíld frequently; time with him is always sweet.
*Addie gave Bíld and I gifts: scarves and sparklers. How kind of her! We wrapped up in the scarves, went outside, and I let Bíld hold the sparklers as I lit them. I’m not sure he’d ever used some before! He was so purely happy with them, and my spirits were lifted to see it.
*It does also make me chuckle that Miss Finchley has a stomach near like mine. Every time I see her, she eats as if she's starved.
*And Nind gave me a gift that I will cherish always: a brooch-like pin in the shape of a quill with immaculate detailing in the white-gold. He’s finally crafted me something in return, though it be a year later.
*I heard a lass speaking of death the other day and I had to leave the conversation. I can’t even think of it without becoming upset nowadays. What sort of healer am I?
To Do:
*Reply to Maurr’s letter.
*Throw away project.
*Throw away bad paintings.
*Fix sleep schedule.
*Finish hand.
*Read up on Rohan (?).
*Visit Boarding House.
*Help Elias.
*Hope for Elias.
*Write logs for Elias (?).
*Get out of bed and go to work.
*Get myself together.
To Answer:
*Why do I feel unmotivated and weary?
*Is it the Winter or something else?
*Will I be ready to go back to Erebor in Spring?
*Why are the sons of Bóurr so kind?
*Am I beginning to dislike my craft?
*Did I always dislike it this much?
*Why am I so tired?
*Why don't I enjoy the sunrise or breakfast as much anymore?
