Another long night in the Library of Bree, tracing roads and memories over the brittle skins of maps. seeking fragments of ancient lore and forgotten paths. The day preceding it was filled with fear and revelations and love, so that again these sanctified halls served as my refuge from my own emotions. Hawke sleeps the sleep of the just near the great fire, having fallen asleep embracing me some time ago. I left him to his much needed slumber, slipped from his arms and turned to my maps and notes for the journey ahead. My soul is still that of the scholar I once longed to be.
I truly missed this Library while I was away from Bree, and I shall miss it all the more when we depart. The prospect of the libraries of Elrond which await me fill me with fond excitement, as well as dread. Do I dare rekindle old acquaintances as well as old enmities. Do I dare hope for more? There are some who may remember me fondly from my days of service to Imladris, there are others who may still wish me dead...and that is not even taking into account those burdens I have inherited from my kin. Will my presence make things harder for my companions, or ease their way as I hope?
Thinking back on the last day, those matters fade as I consider more pressing thoughts. Fillegedhiel is back amongst us, Elbereth be praised. After our reunion at the Prancing Pony we eventually retreated to the House of Three Graces where she slept in my arms like a little girl. She woke filled still with terror, and confessed to me tearfully that she no longer had faith in what was real and what was dream. I had never beheld such fear in my dear one's eyes as I did then...fear of her dreams, fear for herself, fear of finding censure in my eyes. As I held her I bitterly regretted ever allowing her to leave for the dwarven lands without us.
Slowly, with much gentle prodding, she unburdened her heart to me. She said her dreams of late had been "Of strange silver and gold lights...and helmets...and...war". This felt to me to be a powerful sending of ancient spirits, much as one finds through the Gladden fields or other battlefields of lore. But why should the fallen be reaching out to Fillegedhiel?
We spoke some of her time of training at the forges of Thorin, and she expressed that the dwarves had accepted her well enough. The life in a dwarven mine was hardly one of comfort, but she had as all had. She was not treated differently, she felt, then those sons of Aule who were training in their craft beside her within the mines.
She then explained hesitantly that something had...happened. She dismissed it at first as madness and not worth discussing yet I was resolute, and at last, facing away from me as I held her hand, she explained that she had been sleeping and she had heard an echo. At first she thought nothing of this, mines are filled with strange sounds and echos....then she realized it was calling her name.
What's more, as she went forth from her bower to investigate she was suddenly struck by dappled light from above, as apparently part of the mine had been battered inward high above her, and in the crevice she beheld a figure struggling to move deeper towards her. The figure, she swears, was herself, in a full suit of armor, calling her name in anger.
She raised the alarm and the figure withdrew quickly as the dwarves came to her call, and they searched the mines and the country around it...but found no intruder.
We sat in silence for some time, and she then said she thought the mines may have been causing the strange visions. After seeing the same figure of herself several more times, always from a great distance despite the vigilance of her hosts, she resolved to leave the mines and return to Cyndwin and myself...but truly feared that she was losing her sanity.
I consoled her and eased her back to sleep, but my heart was filled with terror. Was this truly a sign of madness? Did not my own father, in what few writings he left behind, describe seeing himself as if from a great distance, having no control over the horrific actions of this "puppet self" as he called it? My heart filled with unspeakable woe I searched Fille's thoughts and dreams again and again and did not relent until I was certain. I found no madness, nor walls of distortion or delusion within her. She saw the world clearly, without the haze of insanity or the taint of her father's evil. I also saw no trace of the touch of fell spirits or remnants of the dead. She was, as she had been when I last embraced her before she rode slowly out of Bree, my Fille...but she had grown so weary and tormented.
My greatest fears I could set aside with great relief, but that did not bring me closer to an actual solution to poor Fille's concerns. I left her there sleeping soundly in Cyndwin and my bed, safe within the wards of the Guardian trees. As I was departing Tol Lochul I came upon Xandilif, also preparing to depart. She had resolved to precede us to the Forsaken Inn to get the lay of the land before we arrived, en route to the Fords. As I offered my farewells, she expressed a desire to meet with "The Hamster", meaning Hawke, before she rode forth. In fact, she seemed disturbed, almost...contrite. I knew that she and Hawke had last parted in anger...but I could not remember the last time the Banshee was troubled that a companion was offended or hurt by her actions. I assured her I would pass that information on to my Urchin and left it at that, most confused.
Upon arriving in Bree, I soon found Hawke in the Pony, and after a discussion with now Unhooded Ryn and her two swains, one who she is betrothed to apparently, though he is incapable of sexual relations save perhaps with the undead, and his brother who she is not betrothed to but who claims to have a magic belt buckle of no small power as he was certain his opening it would cause all who beheld him to fall under his spell. I was very curious over this sorcery and bid him let loose with his power for my consideration but Hawke struck him in the testicles with his knee which apparently rendered this sorcery unusable.
After going out to sit by the fountain, I expressed to Hawke that my sister was seeking him, as well as my fears regarding Fille. Despite his continuing anger with Xandilif, he listened filled with concern for Fille which helped me calm my own emotions as he always soothes me, and it had been some days since I had seen him. He had been busy training and seeing to his personal business around Bree but still I was concerned for him...and not without good cause I would learn.
He told me that he had been avoiding being seen, as his father and his thugs had been actively seeking his whereabouts again throughout Bree. This caused me great consternation, and once I had sidestepped Hawke's disdain for discussing such matters in any way, we wondered together what the villain Silvermond may be seeking. After all, he had gone to great expense to hinder and even abduct Hawke, but clearly never intended his death as killing someone is quite simple when one has the will and the coin. Far simpler indeed and safer then intimadating or kidnapping.
Whats more this new agitation seemed to arise from the hints around Bree that Hawke is soon to depart for points East. Could it be that there are truths that Silvermond fears him discovering in the East...in Gondor? My Urchin saw the sense in this theory, and accepted my urging that he must then redouble his conviction to find the truth in his past, so he can force his father's blade from his throat once and for all.
As we sat in quiet converse I sensed a further tension in Hawke, and he then confessed to me that he was concerned that Fillegedhiel would not like him. I told him that she would be mistrustful for a time for many reasons, none of which had to do with Hawke. He would have to earn her trust, as she would have to earn his. I said that Cyndwin would speak to her on his behalf which seemed to relieve him. Already after knowing each other well for but a few weeks, young Hawke holds a unique and honored place in the life of my Cyndwin and she has come to care greatly for him, and he for her. This brings me nothing but untainted joy.
And so after I explained the route I was intending us to take upon leaving Bree and meeting with his eager if nervous approval, he and I withdrew from the cold courtyard to the Library for a warm fire and gentle privacy.
The day past has brought more new questions then answers but filled me anew with a sense of love for my companions and a certainty that we are embarking on a journey that will have many ramifications on us all. I for one, welcome this moment. If fate is to be our foe, then have at it. We stand ready.
