The snow-haired scout slipped off her horse and started taking off tack and gear from both her and the goat accompanying them. "Best let you two get to browsing properly, eh? You need to eat, even if I'd rather not." They both snorted at her. Her guilt made her start a bit at it, even though she knew it was only because she was talking to them, and not because they understood enough to scold her.
She sighed as she set up a fire, and did actually heat up some gruel, for all she didn't want it, and mused to herself, fighting back tears frequently so she could see what she was doing. When she had it all settled as best she could, she used the light to make another entry in her journal – the first in several days.
I'm not sure what day it is, really. Or even if I'm in the Norcrofts, or managed to slip past into the Sutcrofts. I think what I was seeing ahead before we stopped was Falstead, though, so not quite across. Either there or in Garsfeld, though, I'm going to have to stop and trade. Can't keep a horse going on just grass the way I've been doing. She needs some oats and such, and we all need proper cleaning of gear and such, and a rest day or two.
At least Twilight and Rascal are still both doing fine. Somehow, because of them, I manage to get up every morning and see to all three of us, and keep going on. I'm not quite sure where I'm going, but going… going is all I know how to do right now. I suppose I'm looking to visit people and say good-bye. Not sure if I even mean it to be final. I mean, part of me does, and I know it. But I did promise to see some folks again, including up in the Bree-lands. I reckon I have to follow through on that, at least.
And beyond that? I don't have any answer. Not sure I even know which way I'm going up there. I suppose I need to give some word to Leoffrith's family, though, about how he's marrying after all, and expects to come visit again himself. I'd been kind of avoiding any visit there, especially when he suddenly wasn't betrothed. But now, and being as they're almost on any way I'd go back north anyway this time of year – now I can go see them.
And that does mean figuring out a little white-blonde lass on an obvious war-steed gets up through Dunland. Maybe I'm hoping I won't make it. Kind of am, if I'm honest with myself. But I did promise, so I can't just walk in and say "kill me now." I have to make a real try of it. And it's not like I haven't run both of us in disguise before. I just need to work out what disguises will be best. And for that, maybe I need to stop by Fréasburg again. You can't tell me they don't scout across the river.
And that's a plan I should have seen before. But I mostly can't manage to think. I just dwell on how Wendiwyn had made another bracelet in the same pattern. Was she still waiting for me, knowing I'd look? Or was it… I mostly think she knew she was going to die – and that I would be looking. I think she wanted to be sure I could identify her. And that… that hurts so much. Knowing she had enough faith in me for that, even after all this time, and after she was dying in a strange land.
I don't deserve that kind of love. I failed her, and I reckon I've failed about everybody, one way or another. And yet, if do give up, I'll just be failing even more. Those elves and men who trained me – they didn't do that so I could just go see how long it takes me to die from taking on more than I really can, and not running. But right now, I don't know that I won't just do that if I try to go back to working for them. My body hasn't given up, and it would take something like that to do me in because of that – but my heart is no longer in living.
"And that's about enough of that. Getting late, anyways." She wiped away more tears and finished settling her beasts and her bedroll, and curled up for a fitful sleep.
