"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood...Perhaps I had a miserable youth...But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past...There must have been a moment of truth..."
So cool outside. So hot inside. Maybe it is my fever? Probably. I know it is high. Really high. My fever always spikes really high. Ever since I was little. No idea why. At least it is Winter still and it is cold enough outside I can lay out here and feel cool with my fever. At least I have puppies. So many little puppies surrounding me. So I have a fever? So my foot is badly infected. I have puppies. Nothing else matters at this moment. Just me and the puppies taking a nap under the pretty blue sky.
Who is talking to me? Ljota. Oh! I don't often get to talk to her. She seems so shy, withdrawn. Could be she is the only one of her kind here. I sort of know how she feels. I am the current outsider. Even though Heriwulf says I'm not an outsider...I feel like it sometimes. I'm not saying the clan isn't welcoming. I have always felt welcomed. I don't feel like one of them sometimes is all. I feel like I am sitting outside a lovely home looking through the windows at a cozy family gathering, warm fire, great food, perfect company, and all I can do is sit silent and watch. Waiting until I am invited inside. If I am invited inside. I wonder if Ljota felt the same way when she joined the clan?
She is apologizing for not talking with me much. Sweet lass. Here I was thinking the same thing. I have wondered why we never spoke much. I am always with Heriwulf and she is always with Tree-Walker. I think she is shy too. Or wary. Of what, I don't know. She always seems to be walking on eggshells and I never know why. I hope I didn't make her feel bad by forgetting she is the one who takes care of the Lodge. I can't remember anything or think clearly with this fever. I am glad I didn't upset her or step on her toes by cleaning and cooking like I do. I can't help it. I don't have much else to do and when I see a mess I NEED to clean it. Cooking, well, I can't help cooking for everyone. I want them to eat healthy and a diet of fish and meat is not completely healthy. I want them to be happy and well and is that Heriwulf singing?
He is!! He caught fish too. He is in a good mood. He is teasing and being playful. I love it when he teases me. His eyes light up and sort of twinkle with mischief. I love it. Good catch of fish too. Should make a fine dinner for a few nights. I wonder if you can eat fish for breakfast?
Ljota is talking again. I should focus on that. So hard to focus. She doesn't like doing her job? Then why do it? I want to tell her to talk to Heriwulf and get her job changed to something she likes and makes her feel useful, but I can't clan business. So frustrating!!! I wonder what she would prefer doing?
He is so cheerful today!! I love it!! I wish I felt amazing, then I could be cheerful and happy and wonderful with him too. He is so wonderful. I wish I could spend all day with him. Then being cooped up in the Lodge until me foot is better wouldn't be so boring and lonely and so very DULL. Hugging my Heriwulf. He is so warm. Smells a little of fish, but that is ok. He could smell a lot of fish and I still would be all over my ruggedly handsome love with the big heart. Shame these Woodmen are so isolated from everyone. The women of Bree, real women, would love them all to bits. Not those chase after every adventurer or man in armor sort of women. I mean real, hearty women who want a real man that can hunt and farm and do manly things like raise hounds. And he wonders why I am mad for him. Silly man. He is the best man in Bree, that is why. Ruggedly handsome looks aside, the man has the biggest heart and is so very gentle. I want to hug and kiss him all over and thank Lady Elbereth loudly for putting him in my path. Thank goodness I was outside the Pony that day.
He is fussing over me and my fever. I love and hates when he does that. Love it cause it means he cares, but hate it cause he always frowns. He is more handsome when he smiles and is teasing me. Go back to that. So warm. I could hug him for the rest of my life. I could fall asleep like this. Standing up and hugging him. Listening to his heartbeat. So soothing....
"For here you are, standing there, loving me....Whether or not you should....So somewhere in my youth... or childhood...I must have done something good..."
**NODS OFF TO SLEEP AS SHE STANDS THERE**
What? Where? Oh, I'm in his arms. He is carrying me. Ah, my love. Wonder where he is taking me? Doesn't matter. I am in his arms. Nothing could make this better. Maybe a puppy. No, lots of puppies. Give Ljota a puppy too.
Why are we inside? It is too hot in here. Where's the puppy? We were getting a puppy, right? All the puppies. Where are the puppies? Weren't we outside? How did I get to the kitchen? Oh, Heriwulf is here. I love him. Delirious? I'm not delirious. Just...unfocused. He wants another healer to look at me. Another healer? Does he not trust me? Says I am hot. Well it is hot in here. Let's go back outside. River-Wader. Some lad is going to look at my foot tomorrow. Let him look. Heriwulf is probably right. He can think clearly right now. I can't. Too hot in here.
Where are we now? Bedroom. Are we going to bed? I could cuddle. Look at him and those eyes. A woman could drown in those eyes. Happily too. I wonder if he knows what power he has in those eyes? Sweetness, dearheart, my lady... I love his names for me. I can think of a few names I would like him to call me. Love. Mine. I wish he would call me his love. Or say I love you. In his own time I suppose. Can't rush these things. I wonder what he is ready for? Maybe he would be ready to get a puppy together?! Raising a little puppy with him, cuddling it in bed, snuggling with Hundr, Niht, and Brunan and a little puppy AND Heriwulf!! Perfection.
Look at him looking at my foot and healing me. Cutest healer ever. Why is he avoiding my question? What are you ready for, my love? Are you ready for a puppy of our own? I wish he would tell me what he wants. So maddening. He is so cute though. Wait..why is he maddening again? What were we talking about? Plans? No plan making until Orcs are dead. Got it. Shame. I like making plans involving Heriwulf....and puppies. So many puppies. Maybe that is one reason why I love him so much? He understands my love of puppies.
Not ready for more. Not ready for a puppy probably. Maybe another day we can talk about the puppy again? I hope I remember this conversation tomorrow. I really should see that other healer. Something is wrong. I feel it. My foot should be feeling better not worse. Cuddles with my love! I could sleep in his arms forever. He called me Lilbit again. He needs a cute love name. He has two names already, but something cute. Hound-Friend is cute. Heriwulf is better. My love, Heriwulf. So sleepy....My love....
"Nothing comes from nothing....Nothing ever could....So somewhere in my youth or childhood....I must have done something good."
