(At the beginning of this entry is an entire paragraph of explicatives written in messy but legible handwriting. The ink has been drawn in thick, implying that the writer was pressing down very hard.)
Today was the first time I have cried in a long time and I still hate it.
Crying does not fix anything. Just leaves me tired and still in the mess I made.
It is much easy easier to just stay angry and fix everything myself.
I used to think that I did not need anyone. I can take care of my own busn bis stuff.
It is beginning to look like I need more help than I thought. I hate that. Why can I not just be better and not have to ask folk for help. It would be so much easier.
I can be fine with it if it is Carria. I love her. If it is her, then I am willing to do hard things.
Love. Hate. This is all stupid. I want to go hit something really hard. But that will not fix anything either. Ma is worried about me. Just another thing to fix.
I have to look out for Rhody while Carria and Ashwyneth are gone to Rivi River the elfy place. I wonder if she knows the stupid thing I did yet? I will do my best with her. I will never forgive myself if I do something stupid and hurt Rhody. If that ever happens, if Carria will not knock me on my arse, I will do it myself.
That makes no sense!
(The entry ends with another round of explicatives written in messy hand. The bottom of the page is slightly crumpled and there's a tear near where the page is bound, as if an attempt was made to rip it out but someone thought better of it.)
