Carria, Adriellyn and I leave for Rivendell in the morning, yet I cannot sleep. I was glad to receive the invitation from Vandallan, albeit rather shocked. Yet there is much else for me to consider, to feel.
I thought him dead. I hadn't heard from him in years; neither word from or about him. Although I am so very glad to learn he still lives, I cannot help but feel pained, betrayed...so much else. My hand fails to describe what my aching heart speaks.
When first I came to Bree, I was sure my lot in life was to lose those I love. That it was somehow my fault and I was some bearer of ill luck to all who cared for me. I was led to believe otherwise by them who believe in me, and care for me. Yet now I find that, though I was truly wrong and naive for thinking such, I do have something in common with people I love. They abandon me.
I had thought Hamad Oh what am I doing. I need to get over this, it is so very silly. Hamadryt. Hamadryt. Hamadryt. Oh, if Carria could read this she would laugh so. But I needed to do it. Simply saying his name, I was unable to do. I need to move past.
Where was I? I thought he was the first to abandon me. The only, if I am honest. But this leads me to notice that THIS is the recurring theme in my life. Beginning with Father, though his is worse than theirs. Is this something I have earned somehow? Is there good reason for all these things happening to me? I am sure my dear sister would call me a fool for asking, but in my position, what else can I do?
She would also likely think me foolish for still seeing the best in people. Choosing to care for all, more than I will ever care for my own life. Many would say that caring for others to such an extent is a true gift and very noble. Nay. I feel their pain worse than my own, oft times. And I never know when to draw the line, where if one crosses it, they cannot return to my life or care or...oh, I know not. I know what I mean, and you are, at the end of the day, merely a book. What I mean to point out is that it is not some noble and beautiful gift. Surely it can be. But many a time it is also a curse. A weakness. I continue to learn as I ever grow older, that some creatures choose to hate despite anything you do, or how much love you may give. Yet somehow, it still hurts when they do what they can against you.
I suppose I do not even speak of those two whom I trusted with my heart more than most. My burdened mind has changed to the topic of other pains which weigh on me. I know I ramble, but I must get this out and I have no other means at the moment.
There are some who I loved, thought as friends, trusted and would have done anything for. I did nothing against them except dare to exist as myself. I know not what I could have said or done differently in my life to alter any of their hate. I thought I was treating them well. I truly did. Yet they spoke of me where my ear would not hear. Bitter, unkind and untrue words, they spoke. I chose not to believe it for a long time. How naive. Foolish of me. Yet, I suppose after their work against me was somewhat fruitful, I learned the truth. Though I certainly have done things in my past which I am by no means proud of, these things did not affect any of these people as I had grown past such things by then.
I sought isolation, yes. This apparently only brought more of a chance to speak unkindly of me. Yet I needed it regardless, and somehow learned to ignore whatever it was I heard of myself. In those times, I found who my true friends, those worthy of my trust and who did not simply lie, nor pretend to be my friend when it was easy and simple. Those who cared enough to know ME, to ask, to seek truth. Comfort is for the weak. I speak not of all comfort, but those who seek comfort and are unwilling to part with it.
These friends and honestly...family...they are worth my desire to make everyone around me happier and better off. They are worth my seeing the best in people because simply put, they are the best of people. And finding these gems through the rough stone, I say, was worth the pain. I would have retreated into myself, never to be seen around again, if it were not for them.
I am still here. I have more peace of mind than when I was a name known through Bree-land, well-loved, by all appearances. I can truly trust now. Am I in perfect state? By no means. But I. Am. Still. Here. And stronger than before. It will take much more to see the last of me when I am supported by such loyal, caring and strong folk. Alone, I am surely weak. But I have learned I am never alone.
I forgive those who held or even still hold ill will and intent toward me. Heaven knows I have forgiven much worse somehow. Perhaps this is naive, but it is my own choice. I truly wish I could tell them, "I forgive you," but I do not imagine they would hear my words. Or it would do much good yet. I hope for such a day. But for now, I settle for the page instead.
As I leave Bree-land for Rivendell, I will be leaving the worrying Ash behind. I will return with a heart more joyful and full, and ready to make other's lives better. Even those who should hate me.
Though, before I end this entry, I suppose it should be spoken. One may trample me all they wish. But if they should go after any I love, they will surely see just how much fight is in me.
I now, as my thoughts are written, begin to tire. I do not know what this journey should hold for me. I am not sure if I will ever be able to trust Vandallan as I did before, but he deserves to have his story told before I make a judgement. I do hope his wound is not terrible, and he is well. I still care for him. But I do not intend to be a foolish lass who will simply think on what feelings were in the past. Carria will help me.
~Ash
