Found:
As it turns out, my return to Bree was premature. I spoke to a grand total of two people that night - Khazim and his friend... whose name I no longer recall. Nice girl, though she - like so many others - assumed that there was more to my relationship with the man than simple banter. Whilst I didn't outright state it, I think I managed to make it clear that I'm not ready for anything more than friendship from anyone. She is the only person I've told, in a roundabout way, of Rowan's demise. A complete stranger.
Facing those who care about me is so much more complicated.
So, after returning to my tent with every intention of going back to Bree again on the morrow, I found myself slowly working my way back toward Evendim instead. Oops. I guess I needed more time. More time for me, for her, for...
These last months have been hard. I can't count the amount of times that I've contemplated the simplicity of life as Silver. How much easier it was being her, how much less it hurt. All I had to do back then - all she had to do - was decide to put it behind her. Poof. Gone. She never looked back, she never let it get to her, she never suffered the feelings. The agony. The despair. She just wished it away and away it went.
I could have done with some of that.
I wanted it. I'll admit that even if only to myself. I wanted it behind me. I didn't want to feel it. I wanted to be her again! I wanted the careless peace that came with being her. The unshackled, unfettered, unfiltered, unfeeling, uncomplicated clarity of it all.
It's been a struggle to stay as me. It's taken quite a lot of effort to remain whole. Sometimes, I think it's a battle that I'll ultimately lose, but I fight on regardless. What else is there to do? To give in now, to go backwards, it would cheapen that time with him, the promises we made, what was and what could have been.
I don't see the point of peering at the past through rainbows. It wasn't all good. Much of it was bad. But enough of it was good to make it worth holding onto. Enough of it was good to ensure that I honour him, and us, as best I can. It had such potential.
What a waste.
Now, I make my way south again. I still don't know if I'm ready, but there's only one way to find out. The next step on my journey to something aproaching recovery is to once again engage with those I care about. To tell them the truth and apologise for my lengthy absence.
I really should seek out Kestrea, see how she's holding up. Of course, that's easier said than done. It's generally much more simple to let her find me instead. I guess we'll see what happens. There are, after all, several others that I need to speak with and make some sort of amends towards.
Is that right? Is that how it works? I'm the grieving party, after all. Do I need to apologise for how I needed to do so? I have no idea what's right or wrong here, but then I rarely do. I'll play it by ear, as per usual. If I fuck it up, well... that's hardly out of the ordinary for me, is it?
Luckily, I embrace myself for who I am regardless of whether or not anyone else will.
Onwards then, bit by bit.
