Found:
I saw Rahvic briefly. He seemed overly joyful at finding me sitting around staring into space. He apologized for trying to force his help on me when I didn't want it, and I apologized for being such a bitch to him. I told him why. He understood, I think. He seemed forgiving enough anyway. It'll do.
Of course, he did ask me to babysit straight away, but I had to decline. I'm not ready.
Saying it aloud hurts more each time, each admission like a new stab through what's left of my heart. As it turns out, though, writing it down is much easier. Letters on a page are so easy to erase - a spill of ink, an open flame - but words spoken can never be taken back.
There was another discussion with Elias as well. I don't think it's helping, though that is far from being a lack on his part. It is more on mine. Some of the questions he asks, I just cannot answer. Not to him anyway. Those truths are for myself and one other. That the other will never hear them only results in me keeping those things to myself; unable to bring myself to vocalize them to anyone else. I think I might just be emotionally stunted. I know I'm broken, but that's hardly a revelation, now is it?
Having received a letter from Balnirar, I felt compelled to explain matters to him as well. He's in Erebor right now and worried that his departure might have hurt my feelings given that we were supposed to go together. Of course, I don't blame him for not waiting for me, nor do I hold any animosity toward him for going home. I might not quite understand the drive to do so, never having had one of my own, but I do understand the need to move.
He's asked that I try to visit. That sounds like a wonderful idea to me. For as long as the summer remains, the mountain passes will be that much easier to traverse. That, and, seeing somewhere new might at least help to rekindle my interest in the world. True, I've seen Dale before, along with the surrounding lands, but I've never actually entered the dwarven hold. Could they possibly turn me away when I have an invitation penned by one of their own?
Time will tell, I suppose. There's nothing to tether me here and all that I need is already within my tent and saddlebags. Rahvic won't be pleased, but he'll understand. But isn't there some unfinished business as yet?
Probably.
I'll give it a few more days before I turn East.
