Found:
The nightmares returned, as I knew they would. They always do. I have quiet periods, or methods for coping when they get too much, but even if I can keep them at bay for a time, they never stay gone for long. This latest spell I have suffered since telling Rowan the truth of my youth. Doing so brought the memories to the fore, and they have plagued me since.
When Ryheric asked after them earlier, I was dismissive. What's the point of whining about it, after all? 'tis something I am used to. There is promise in his solution, and yet... it seems like so much false hope to me. I was reluctant, therefore, to answer his questions directly or agree to further.... treatments. Is there much use in it once in a while? A decent nights sleep here and there is refreshing, but is it really all that helpful in the long run?
The day started well enough, with my happening across Ryheric in Combe when I was on my way to the tavern to get breakfast. We spoke briefly before the others joined him for a morning's task of some description. They offered for me to join them, but going in search of a fight is not something I have any desire to do. I stayed behind, ate, and made sure to buy them drinks upon their return. It was nice to see them getting along so well - whatever tiff that occured between Ryheric and Lavendara has clearly been worked out, and Clothilde seems to be settling in nicely. Mildwynn and Cwenawynn, I again had little time to observe, but I can be certain, at least, that the former has no head for drink!
It was pleasant, enjoyable, especially the excitement in Lavendara and Clothilde as they peered over the maps later that afternoon. The two girls are slowly becoming closer, I think. A good thing and a delight to watch unfold.
But I find myself increasingly wary. All three ask a lot of questions, and I'm not yet sure how much trust I can place in any of them. When Lavendara asked about my wishes concerning partners, later when we were alone, I gave her enough truth to satisfy the girl, but certanly not the whole of it. I'll wait and see what gets back to the ears of the others.
Ryheric, meanwhile, seems to be on a precipice. I know the one; I've been there. The knife's edge between the life he's always led and the one he now has the option to lead, should he so desire. He teeters, but whether he should step back or fall forward is yet to be determined.
That uncertainty, he would appear to be projecting onto me. He has made several references to my descriptions of Rowan - as if he unwittingly compares himself in some ways - as well as to my dislike of people trying to protect me. The man has never even hinted at wishing to do so, nor have I asked it of him. He has been naught but respectful of my independence thus far, so why are these things suddenly an issue? He does not strike me as an insecure man, but rather one comfortable in his own skin and with his own life...
Ah, but the knifes's edge! The potential for change. The prospective discomfort of the unknown and difficult path. It makes us all a little... out of sorts, no? Perhaps that is it.
Regardless, I am beginning to feel like I must tread carefully with him. He knows too much already. Far too much. Even if not for that, he has been willfully misinterpreting some of what I've said, or listening selectively. I'm not sure which but I think I know why.
Am I slipping backwards? Seeing things through past eyes? Am I, myself, now spooked by the discomfort of being more open about things? Am I unconsciously seeking reasons to withdraw?
Time will tell.
