When I fall asleep, I know not whether it will be dreamless, or whether I will see things, either joyful or horrifying. The unknown is something that makes me fearful. The thought of not knowing what will come to me in my dreams, presses me with anxiety.
But when I wake up, none of that will matter. For when I wake up, it is within his arms, or him within mine.
Together.
Now, I know that waking with him by my side is a given. No matter what comes in the night, he is there. And if he is not? I shall know that he has not gone far.
Like a friend has said, where one is, the other is not far.
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My sleep is disturbed by slow movement in front of me. Though it takes several moments for my eyes to focus and my mind to return from the land of dreams. Eventually, I realize that Amathlan is trying to remove himself from my hold. One quick glance to the window tells me that the night and the moon still have their hold over the world.
"Amathlan...Where are you going" I whisper, still having trouble focussing enough to speak more than one proper sentence.
He pauses in his movements, turning to give me a gentle smile. His hair is messy and his eyes still bleary, but he seems determined to get out of the bed.
"Go back to sleep my love, it is still early." He says quietly before turning to leave again. Even tired as I am, I reach my arm out to grab his hand before he can wander too far from the bed.
"It is too early. Why are you awake?" I mumble out, curling up on the bed now that the heat from his body is gone. A yawn escapes my lips as he strokes his thumb over my hand.
"I always wake up at this time. I did not mean to disturb you. Go back to sleep." He says in reply before removing his hand from mine and caressing my hair.
I am still weary and my mind has not quite up with me yet. All I know is that I do not want him to leave. We bicker back and forth, as is our norm, before I finally manage to convince him to come back to bed with me, even if we do not sleep any more than that.
"I just want you close and in my arms, please?" I plead with him, giving him my best pout. Though he does not give up quite yet.
"Once you are asleep, you will not even notice that I am gone." He is wrong. I will always know. My arms will be empty and my heart cold. I will always know that he is not there.
Amathlan eventually relents and climbs back into the bed, allowing me to wrap my arms around him once more and nuzzle my face against his back. We settle back, just as I had hoped and all is quiet and calm for a while.
Neither of us speak for several moments, but it seems neither of shall be going back to sleep.
Moments like this are the kind that I wish for, from morning till night. Just us, holding each other, speaking quiet words and touching softly. Though I have never been a morning person, I do believe this has now become my favorite part of the day.
The dark night ends, and the light of day rises.
The sleeping wake to start their lives once more.
Nightmares of fire and fear turn to kind words and gentle touches.
I can not get close enough to him in this moment. My arms wrap tight around him and I hug him fiercely to myself. I never want to let him go again. When his own hand comes up to hold onto me, it feels like I have come home again. I am right where I belong.
He calls me needy, but where is the lie in that? I can not argue with that. When all I need and all I want, is him?
I tell him I regret taking him away from his morning ritual.
"No you don't." He replies. And what can I say to that. All he speaks is truth.
And I tell him just as much. That I would stay with him there all day. That I wish we could be like that forever.
"When all is quiet, ere the world awakes." He says as his reply.
And so we stay, in each others arms, bickering like the lovers we are. And finally, dawn breaks and the sky turns from black, to purple, to pink and so then Arien guides the sun up at last.
Our bickering turns to soft affirmations of love and care.
"You are too good to me..." I whisper.
"You are better to me." Is his reply.
If only this is how we could stay until the world ends. If our lives could be so easy that all we need do is argue over who treats the other better. But the world waits on no one. And the sun will continue its journey across the sky no matter how many prayers I send to the Valar.
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Cold is the night, that freezes my heart.
But warm is the fire that is Amathlan's touch as we hold each other in the early dawn.
He gives me hope in the darkness, that the light will come, morning has arrived.
If only he will hold me as long I wish. I will know we will be alright,
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Bickering turns to soft kisses, gentle as the touch of a butterfly.
With strong arms around me, and the touch of his lips grounding me, I wonder if this is what it feels like to die and be given life anew. Surely this feeling is not one given to just anyone.
But that feeling can never last, at least not for all hours of the day. As he so gently reminds me.
"The sun rises, and the world awakens, my love."
I knew it would come, the time where we must part and attend to other matters. But each morning, I shall milk the time for everything that it is worth. And till the next morning, I will find myself waiting for the moment where I am safe and tucked away in his arms.
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If I were to die like this, then a most beautiful and kind death it would be.
