Found:
How many times must I go through this scenario before I find a way out?
It is always the same. Time and again, it happens. An opportunity arises, the potential for something different, and I push it away one way or the other.
Was it fear, I wonder? Was it a desire to maintain a comfortable status quo? Was it inevitable? Or necessary? Or even me?
Goodness knows I've felt the schism of late. The cracks remain, despite my attempts to seal them. I try and try again, and just when I think I've done it, they appear anew. Something brings them to the fore.
He thinks it's him, that he is confusing an already fraught situation. I tried to explain that he's not. That this was going to happen with or without his words. It's not just about him or us or the group. I think, deep down, he knows that. I don't blame him for wanting to pull away now. Had I not told him, not moments before, that I was doing exactly that?
At least for now. Until it is all under control again.
I didn't expect that to bother me. I didn't expect to feel regret for speaking my mind. I didn't expect that sharp stab of sorrow.
Clearly, I haven't done a good enough job keeping my distance.
I think my admission bothered him more than he wished to let on. That, too, is now a cause for regret.
A part of me wishes I could take those words back. A part of me wishes that I was less uncertain. A part of me wishes to believe that his own words were naught but lies. It would be easier, wouldn't it, to think that way. And don't I have cause to do so? He's already told me more than once that he won't always be truthful, that he will lie to me.
How am I to believe him, then? Especially now.
Whatever doubts I may have, whatever experiences elsewhere, does it really excuse my perpetual spinning of this wheel, though? Self-sabotage, pushing people away, drawing away from them.
Perhaps it's time to do as he suggested. Perhaps it's time to see what she has to say. Perhaps it's time to figure out which one of us pulls those particular strings.
Regardless, it's time to break the cycle.
