(For reference, see A Dirge in Red and Reunion, along with lots of other stories - Xan's Humble Chronicler)
It had been nearly a week since the confrontation with Mans in the Thirsty Seer, and the world had not yet ended. Every night Xanderian kept expecting to see the moon split in two, or the sea around the island of Tol Lochul to be afire, or red as blood. Yet…nothing. The world seemed unchanged, save for the unmistakable tension in the air, save that she could practically feel the great and the good whispering about strange portents in Gondor.
Strange portents indeed.
The huntress looked up at the gleaming disk of the unsplit moon as she slowly climbed the hill, towards the overlook high above the House of Three Graces. She knew her quarry was on the island somewhere but she had allowed her the solitude she seemed to crave for long enough. She had sought her everywhere else, this pinnacle was the last option. Xanderian knew very well that unless she was dragged back into the fellowship of her allies, the woman she sought could spend centuries in the gloaming, counting the traces of falling stars.
Calidis Merifindiel sat next to the massive dwarven mirror, watching the waves crash against the shore of the island. She tensed slightly, feeling her visitor coming but didn’t move. She closed her dark eyes and breathed out slowly, having been expecting such a visit. "Xanderian..."
Xanderian smiled softly and stood beside the woman, unwinded by the steep climb. "Hail, Night-eye...I suspected I would find you here, yet saved the mirror for last none the less.” The two had not spoken since the ancient crystal that called itself Hastaina, or “Marred” in Westron, had sent Xanderian, Ahmo, Addiela, Nethrida and Eduwiges tumbling back into Calidis’ memories of the fall of Eregion. The dark eyed woman had still not recovered from the experience or the truths learned by that intrusion. Perhaps none of them had.
Calidis stood and looked down as she brushed her skirts off even though there was no dirt on them. When she finally looked up, she couldn’t quite bring herself to meet Xan's gaze. "I have either become predictable or you know me too well by now... Perhaps you know more than you wished to." Her voice was cool and soft but almost without affect, like a love song frozen in quartz.
The huntress reached out and gently brushed Calidis’ cheek, a gesture both maternal and childlike. "Even your long life would not be enough for me to learn that much of you.
Calidis closed her eyes again. "Perhaps... Before, time changed nothing. I remained as I was through the end of the age. At last I feel the years settling upon me." She opened her eyes again and sighed. "... I regret that you had to see all of what you saw. I was not careful enough."
“Well, I regret nothing, save that you spent all those ages alone for no purpose, and the only bearer of your burden was yourself.” Xan left her hand pressed to the other woman’s cheek. Calidis was infinitely older than the young huntress, yet much less experienced in life so that their roles at time seemed fluid.
Calidis shook her head diffidently but took Xan's hand in a hesitant grip. "It was my burden to bear, though I did not see that for so long." With her free hand she clutched at the pendant about her neck where a remnant of the essence of Hastaina dwelled now, glowing with a soft light. "I did not know that other burdens would be laid upon me. I can only hope that my choice was right..."
Xanderian nodded softly, having expected such a train of thought. She was not unfamiliar with self-doubt. “Your choice was right....and the burden of dark events and passing time does not lay upon you alone.”
The older woman clutched tighter at her pendant with her free hand, enough to bruise her pure white fingers as a flash of sudden anger crossed her perfect features. "... Such a choice should NEVER have been given to one such as I." She released the pendant and looked downwards again, the venom in her voice replaced with despair. "And I am afraid that my plight is not ended, whether I will it or not. And all that I wanted and hoped for will come to naught as I have been told it shall."
“Even the eldest among us cannot know the future exactly, most simply guess and try to seem wise....and you no longer stand alone, my sweet Night-Eye. All does not rest on you alone, whatever may come.” Xanderian spoke lightly, but her voice held the steel of powerful conviction.
"How much sorrow have I brought upon you? How much more still will I bring? I-... Xanderian, it has been thousands of years and now suddenly the doors are all open thanks to this crystal’s meddling…I can feel *everything*." Calidis finally met the younger woman’s gaze with her own, eyes dark as night and deep as the sea. "But I would spare you from it if I could, Xanderian."
The huntress just shook her head, bright eyes wide and gentle. “You do not choose my path, Merifindiel....nor does any other save myself...what sorrows I bear, I choose to bear, and none I bear more gladly then those I share with you.”
The silence seemed to lengthen for a few moments, until Calidis gasped almost inaudibly and turned away as tears filled her eyes, despite her trying to fight them back. "But why? Why add to your sorrow? Why choose to aid me with mine? I have done nothing to deserve it. I could not help you when you were mistreated all those long years in Imladris. I could not help you in the one task you asked of me to answer the riddle of Cyndwin’s disappearance."
Xanderian sought her gaze again, brushing the woman’s tears away as if she were a little girl. “After bearing so much, so long in silence, does that not mean that you deserve the aid of a loving friend? And my time in Imladris was as it was...it taught me many things and I do not regret a moment nor a single tear.”
Calidis froze, her voice filling with passion again. "Deserve?... I deserve nothing. But, I had hoped... I thought that one day when I cross the Sea perhaps I would see both my parents again, if what is said of the Undying Lands is true. But... I will not see them. I will not, CANNOT get what I thought I deserved." Her features went hard even as more tears spilled from her eyes. The pendant about her neck began to glow brighter.
The younger woman would not have her resolve shaken, her voice soft and steady. “You know not yet how the story will end, sweet one. Already, have not events changed what you thought were facts carved from stone? Be of good hope, and labor on....fate will still be kind to you, I think. And even should fate not be, I shall be.”
Calidis clutched tighter at her pendant and sighed harshly. "Even still, will this crystal wrest control from me," she whispered to it in Quenya. "Let me have this, at least my rage, damn you!" She seemed as if she wanted to tear it from her neck but found she couldn’t and allowed her hand to drop to her side again.
“What is it that you would have it allow you, sweet Night-Eye?” Xanderian tilted her head softly. The gesture was so like the one she made on the night they met, Calidis nearly laughed despite her upset.
When Calidis spoke again, she was calmer."... It is contradictory to everything. When I would have my anger it seeks to quell it. When I would rest it wishes to move me forward. It thinks it is helping and nothing I say dissuades it. Would that I could cast it away."
Xanderian held her hand. "I think it is right to sooth your anger...I felt the fires within you when first I looked in your eyes, sweet one."
Calidis reached up to furiously and futilely wipe the tears from her eyes. Eventually her pendants glow softened and she visibly slumped a little, as if defeated. When she spoke, her voice was child-like."... What did it ask of you, Xanderian? I hear it within my own memory loud and clear, that it gave you a choice just as it did me. What burden did it lay on you because of me?"
The huntress looked out to sea, this was not a topic she wished to discuss. 'Because of you....? BECAUSE of you, none at all.”
Calidis would not be turned aside, '"It was my memory that you were brought into. And then it asked a choice of me as well as you. I remember it for it is now written into the fabric of things that once were and now are. Whatever choice it laid upon you is my fault... And I would know it."
Still looking out to sea, Xanderian chose her words carefully. 'It gave me the option to change things, to trade one life for another, one fate with another...but I would not. All that happens, all that lays before us...is MEANT to be, I have not the wisdom to choose an alternative. I made the only choice that I could and I have no regrets.
Calidis turned away, looking slightly angry again. "A life for a changed fate? You mean to say that because I could not control or even reason with Hastaina as I intended to that it went so far as to take away one of our companions?... Were I not so sure that it was not a thing of evil make, I would have taken it for a servant of the Enemy with an ultimatum like that."
Xanderian finally looked back at her, and Calidis was struck by the look of a sorrowful little girl on her face, “Nay dear one....we lost nothing and no one that we had when first we entered your grief, we are now as we were then, perhaps stronger for all we faced together. I would hope that we are stronger….”
She shook her head and touched Xanderian’s hair, suddenly aware of the age difference between them. "It will never make you choose over something like that ever again. I do not care if it supposedly means well or what it wants with me. I will cast it from me and part with this heirloom if need be. Or, cast myself away if I cannot have done with it."
Xanderian smiled. "We each have a part to play in the great game...a path to walk. We can seek to deny that, to refuse it…to cast ourselves away...but then we find that by refusing we have actually walked the path we were destined to all along. Your grief, your pain my sweet Night-Eye is from your struggle against the plan of fate....hold my hand, and walk with me. Let time guide us.”
Calidis's stern expression crumbled as more tears fell. "I do not wish to. But yet I do. I want to feel everything and nothing at all. I would take your hand but I do not want to break it." She reached out but then stopped herself, her voice growing deadly serious despite the fear she felt. "I've missed so much for so long. I want to feel everything."
Xanderian stepped forward and held the woman suddenly, whispering in her ear. "I cannot be broken have you not seen that? Many have tried and failed. I cannot be broken, least of all by love. I do not fear your love or your hate, only your indifference. Tell me what you would feel, what you would live...and we shall live it together.”
The pendant about her neck went completely dark as Calidis seemed to crumble before the huntress’ heartfelt truth. She clutched at Xan like she was a lifeline and whispered as if confessing her deepest secret and bitterest shame, "Everything. Good, bad... Joy, sorrow, hate, love, and everything in between. I am afraid but I want….everything."
Xanderian kissed Calidis softly...and smiled despite now also being in tears, still holding her. "Then everything is what you shall have my eldest sister....everything and more.”
Calidis returned the kiss with one of her own and then buried her tearstained face in Xan's shoulder.
Xan held her even tighter, rocking her..."I am here sweet Night-Eye..since that moonless night in Rivendell when first we met. I have not left your side then, nor shall I ever, I swear it.”
Calidis let all of her tears out now, overwhelmed by Xanderian’s simple promises. She relaxed her grip on the younger woman but didn’t let go, her words seeming to tumble out. "You... are not deserving of a single unkind word anyone has ever said or will ever say of you. You never have been. You have ever given yourself to those who would have need of you and I love you for it, do you understand me? You have whatever I can give to you until the End of All Things."
A single tear ran down her cheek as Xanderian met her wild-eyed gaze "We are bonded, you and I, we were from the first....and what I do not deserve is your love but I thank the fates for it none the less, since as Xandilif would tell you, I am ever greedy for such things.”
Calidis pulled away a little to wipe away her tears when they had finally run dry. "Greedy is something you can never be. Or, if that is greed, then my kin were right to defy the powers that be.... Long have the Noldor stood in defiance of the will of the Valar. It is that defiance that brought us to these lands unbidden. Those of my kin were exiled for so long until the ban was lifted so that we could also leave these lands and return to where we are supposed to be... But I have never felt that call."
Xanderian nodded softly, watching her. "Then you will remain with us...with me?
Calidis nodded as well. "... The Lady of Mourning came to me. That which I desired and looked with hope towards, those lands will never be. My father and mother will never leave the halls of the Doomsman... No ship will carry me to that place."
Xanderian let the words sink in before she spoke. “I grieve for you...yet rejoice as well. Long ago I renounced my birthright...I will live, and fade, amongst those I love. Here. And now beside you as well.”
"I find... that I can accept such a fate. It will grieve so very few apart from you. And... for all my long years, perhaps to fade, beside you….would be a mercy to me." She reached for Xan's hand again.
Xan held her hand tightly and smiled. “Fade we will...but there is much to do, and much still to see. And as you desire, much still to feel.”
At the thought Calidis allowed herself an honest and rare smile that seemed to bring stars into her dark gaze. "... But firstly, there are many matters at hand, yes? Though I have been... absent and struggling, I have not been blinded. Something ran amiss with Addiela some days past, yes?"
Xanderian nodded softly..."Yes...sister Addie…all of us really, were deceived. I did not wish to trouble you…but we will need your help.”
Calidis nodded. " I know much of deception. It always seems to have its root in the same source no matter who deals it out in the end. How is Addie holding up? What of yourself and your sister? And Nethrida; I know she is close with Addiela... And of the girl, Finchley?"
Xan looked down at the torchlight around the estate below. “I have not been able to speak with Sister Addie since our return from Minas Tirith. Both Nethrida and Eduwiges endure and have been comforting her, yet spoil for a way to confront our enemy while Small Finchley....she spends much time with the Banshee, yet seems burdened by a secret she will not tell me.'
Calidis looked grave, '"A secret... Secrets kept are what gave the deception much of its power I assume. She should tell you outright. That girl wears her emotions openly. She cannot keep whatever secret she is holding for very long. Not when there are keen eyes about us."
Xanderian nodded, and set her concern for Finchley aside for now. "You have been told of the Battle of the Spike in Kheledul, where our foe Mans of the Dourhand was revealed to us as wielding one of the ancient dwarven Rings of Power...Sindya, the Ring of Artifice?”
Calidis inclined her head. "I have been told little of that time though I can gather much." She turned and gestured toward's Xan's neck. "The scar you bear... It has to do much with it, yes?"
Xanderian touched the wide blue gash automatically, for a moment her eyes far away. "Yes...in the battle, I was...struck down....but so too was Mans, and he was defeated, or so we thought.
Calidis furrowed her brows. "Struck down?" She reached over and laid her fingers against the scar for a brief moment before pulling her hand away, the skin still strangely cold and electric. "Yet you lived and stand here. And so too did this Mans? Or does that have aught to do with what befell Addiela?"
Xanderian nodded..."We thought him destroyed…but…well we thought many things that were not so, I suppose. In the aftermath of the battle, unknown to us all, a dream took root in Addie's heart, that could she but learn the right words and harness the powers of shadow for good, she could raise her father from the dead...and secretly she turned her mind and heart to this pursuit. The blade which had..slain me...was a morgul blade of Angmar, magicked to steal the souls of its victims..and after realizing its influence was malign I left it in Imladris, the day after you and I first met.'
Calidis nodded. "I remember the blade. It's aura was evil. I remember Addiela had strongly counseled you to leave it to Lord Elrond's supervision." She frowned a little. "But from what you've said, it does not sound as if it remained there."
Xanderian continued slowly, “Some weeks ago Addie had her old comrade, Rathvald the freebooter, ask Elrond for the blade and due to some madness, or due to the same delusions we all suffered, the Lord of Rivendell gave it unto him, and he brought it to Addie for this ritual she was sure would return her father to her....and we her friends thought it folly, but harmless folly. 'he power of the ring deceived us all yet again, not just Addie. We failed to stop her when she needed us most.”
Calidis looked troubled. "To meddle with the Gift of Men is what led many of the Second Born to their doom in ages past."
The younger woman sighed. “Yes, but this was more than simple meddling. A dark plan was underway and we were all pawns. When Addie cast the ritual it was in the blackest of dark arts, using power she could never have wielded herself, and our foe rose again as a shade...he had used the power of the Ring Singya to cheat death by hiding in the blade, and now he is free again.”
Calidis let out a heavy sigh and looked wearily skyward for a second. This was more dire news then she had expected. "If Mans is free... where does he hide now? Do we know his motives?... Alas, it always seems to be rings, does it not?"
Xanderian tried to smile. “Not all is dire…Hawke and Finch foiled Mans from taking Addie as his host...but the shade has departed....he may be seeking refuge, he may already wear a new face...we know not.” As she spoke, her voice grew softer, a sense of hopelessness rising inside her. “All of this is my doing, though I do not regret it, I cannot regret it. You asked me what my choice was, in your memory. That was my choice, sweet one, to burden us with this evil.”
Calidis blinked and considers something silently. "Xanderian... What WAS your choice? Please, I would know it."
The huntress breathed in deeply…and resigned herself, looking out to sea as she spoke. “In that distant time, that which would be the fell spirit within Mans inhabited the general of Annatar's forces, the orc Tarek Manslayer. Hastaina put a choice before me. I could slay Tarek to release his shade and allow things to remain as they had been, and by doing so Mans would be all we knew him to be down through time to the present danger...Or leave him to ride down into the forge, slaying you and all those survivors of the fall of the city...but in doing so his evil would be spent and end there.”
She looked back at Calidis, “I chose to preserve things as we knew, and slew Tarek, thus allowing Mans to rise, and do all that he has done. Had I done otherwise, who knows what would now be, save that you would not be here. I could not take that risk.”
Calidis closed her eyes again as she let that all sink in. "Xanderian... You spared my life for a fate such as this..." She sucked in a breath and then slowly released it. The look in her eyes was sorrowful yet filled with love. "... Then it seems I will have to endeavor to make sure to be worthy of your choice. I would have given my life gladly for your peace.,,But what is done is done. Instead I will give what I have and then some to aid you once more.”
Xanderian sighed and smiled gently. “Do not think me more than I am...my love for you was part of my choice, but also I know I lack the wisdom to change fate...if I changed what occurred who knew what else would be changed in turn. I am but a soldier...I lack your power and vision...I only wish to serve those I love.”
Calidis noddeds and reached up to grasp at her pendant, a little more gently now. "... I will not cast Hastaina away from me yet, though the anger I bear for it is still present. Perhaps it will prove to be wise to do so in time." She smiled sadly and rested a hand against Xan's cheek. "Soldier you may be, but it is not everything you are. Those who love you would agree. No one is one thing. I was once Calidis of Eregion. I became Calidis of Imladris. But... I find I am both of those people and neither of them anymore."
Xanderian thought for a moment, then nodded. “You are Calidis of Tol Lochul now...with all that carries with it.'
Calidis smiled back softly, running the name through her mind. "In time, I suppose we will find out who exactly this Calidis of Tol Lochul is."
Xan stood beside her, looking out at the dawn, her heart feeling far less burdened by her fears. “I already know”
