I used to lie in bed and look to the low ceiling, and imagine the night sky beyond … sometimes I would even turn the wrong way up, with my head at the foot of the bed so I could look out of the small window. I would imagine what adventures my life would hold. Even a farmer’s daughter has dreams of matters other than feeding chickens and bringing in the crops. Mine were often of wandering in the fields and forests, and finding herbs that would do wonderful things when administered. If I gave them to anyone unwell, they would brighten of face, and sometimes rise from their sick bed. It made me happy. My grandmama’s tales coloured those dreams with strange creatures, friendly creatures that walked at my side, keeping watch over me. Often they were bears or wolves. Once, I awoke and thought I saw a white horse standing in the snow outside. All within me told me the horse was calling to me, to leave my safety and go ride the Mark and beyond. But common sense restrained me. I would not abandon my family, not even for such an imaginary longing.
But I have abandoned that home now.
Oh, I was a little different even then. The farmhouse was small, only the main room, and three bedrooms. Mine was the smallest. I felt safe there, no matter what the weather did. Hiding under my blanket, with the wooden doll my papa had made me, I could weather any storm. I loved that room. I was greatly saddened when my parents and I left the farm for Forlaw many years ago.
My heart was broken when I left it again, through that small window I used to look through, as a group or Riders pulled me to safety from the flames.
My room; Ethel’s room it had been then, though I never told her, wanting her to feel it was all hers. Nor had I spoken with Waelden about such thoughts. Never would I trade he or Ethel for a house, no matter how special it was to me. But the pain still ran deep.
“Oh Waelden, what a mess!”
I dismounted, letting Wynn take her stand a little further from the ruins. The smell of fire, of burnt wood and crops hung heavily in the air, assaulting the horses’ nostrils more than ours. Looking around, my heart sank more than I had expected.
We had not had the time to plant much in the fields. But the small pipeweed crop had caught alight. The vegetable patch was ash, as much from the house as the surrounding fence. The stable was only a few dark uprights.
It was clear those Riders who had pulled us from the burning house had done what they could to extinguish the fire. Some places were covered with piles of soil, some items had been thrown or carried some way from the building. The fields must have caught alight from the barn. Ghastly though they looked, they were the least concerning matter.
“There’s not much left,” Waelden said, as he also dismounted, leaving Ealfin to stand guard by Wynn. The horses would give warning should anyone or anything approach. He took down the sword he had tied to his saddle nevertheless, and walked over to join me as I approached the part of the house still standing.
It was Ethel’s room; my room.
Walking ahead of me, Waelden peeked inside what was left of the window he had smashed. “It’s all laid to ash… her things, our things.”
I bit at my lip to control the greater hurt. “If you hadn’t smashed that window we all would have perished.”
“But we are still here, love.” He patted my shoulder as he moved on to take a fuller look at the ruins.
“Aye.” I turned to survey the nearby ground, where several items of furniture had been left. “We worked so hard to make this a home again. Do you remember? All the work we did before we could bring Ethel here?”
Waelden turned to look closer at all the debris the rescuing riders managed to get out of the house. The few pieces of furniture that were still left look almost clean, as the recurring rain has washed off the soot, but left the wood in a sorry state. “Yes, I remember,” he said. “I emptied this very drawer of old clothes and trinkets.”
“We three are alive. The animals are all alive.” I stated. It was true. No life had been lost. That was most important. But part of me felt very dead as I wandered aimlessly through the furniture.
Waelden was still searching round the outside of the ruin. “'They took out what they could, it seems. Most are things that stood close to the doors and windows.”
“Those men did more than we could possibly have asked,” I replied, seeing in my mind a young fair haired girl carrying a bunch of wildflowers, to put in a pottery vase that lay smashed on the ground at my feet. “I have nothing but praise for those who rescued us.”
Nodding at my words, Waelden knelt down on the ground to pick up a piece of clothing left behind. The fabric was burnt and reeked of smoke. He put it down again.
I remembered my mother giving me that dress, the year before she died. Green and white it had been. Now it was blackened.
“They were good men, no doubt about it,”Walden added. “Many of them have likely seen this many times.”
I walked on a little way, seeing a few other garments equally scorched. I shut out the memories that came to my mind.
“Maybe it would have been better had I never returned to Edoras,” I whispered, not really thinking through my words.
“Would it, you think?” Waelden stated, turning back to look at me a moment.
I shook my head. “I meant that the house would still be standing.”
His expression softened. He understood. “All we know is that a group of Dunlendings used it as their hideout, their base. Who is to say they wouldn’t have burned it when they left? I don’t know about you, but I would rather see it burned than abused as a place of dwelling for evil men.”
I sank to the ground, my legs feeling unusually weak under me. “You may well be right. But I would have rather seen it as home again. Now, that cannot be.”
Waelden crouched down in front of me. He spoke softly. “Aye, it was your legacy, your birthright, your home.” He paused a moment, then sought to hold my attention from my ill musing. “We could rebuild it … tear down all that is left, clean up the area and build a new house where the old one stood?” He ran a thumb lightly over my cheek.
I pondered a moment. Behind him I could see the young girl I was, running happily from the fields to her mama’s arms. My grandpapa, Cenulf, stood by, watching her with the same pride he would have had in a grandson. I hadn’t appreciated that then. I did now. “A runner today, little cub? And a warrior tomorrow, and a healer the day after.” My Mother picked me up in her arms, spinning me round. “You must follow your own path, Yllfa. I am not sure that will be as a farmer’s wife.”
And my grandpapa looked at me out of the memory a moment. He smiled. “You are free, little cub,” he said.
“What say you, She-wolf?” Waelden turned my chin so I faced him again.
I shook my head. “No..I think not.” I returned the gesture, running my fingers lightly over his cheek. “We will always have the memory of what happened here. So will Ethel. I would rather move on, to lessen those thoughts.
“We will have those memories no matter where we live, I think,” he stated. I hope it will fade, like any memory of dark tidings. Especially for the girl.'
“It may be we are meant to move on from here?”
“Maybe so,” he replied, rising to his feet, and looking around again. 'Mm. I'm not sure how much we can salvage. There's a few pieces of furniture that may be usable after some treatment. Or do we even want any of this? Will it carry with it the dark memories into a new place?”
I drew a deep breath, and shook my head.
“These are almost all your things, Yllfa. You grew up within those walls, and used this over the years. I didn't have much of my own things here, luckily enough. For my sake... I won't mind leaving everything behind. But this one's not up to me, it's for you to decide.”
I considered Waelden’s words a moment more, then my hand went to the amber wolf’s head necklace about my throat. “I have this, and the silver bracelet I never take off. I have you and Ethel, and the horses and animals. All else I can leave. I will take only good memories from this place, and I have plenty of them. I had to see it, but it is time to say ‘farewell’ to my past here.”
Moving behind me, Waelden lay his arms over my shoulders, standing as a support while I let my childhood and my family, save my papa, go.
“We build a new, and better future, aye?” I said almost silently.
I could feel his nod of agreement against the back of my head.
“We will always have dreams. None can take those away, whether it be dreams of good fortune, or of ill deeds. Let's use those good dreams,” he whispered into my hair.
I smiled. I took a final look out over the fields and ruins. ‘I failed you, family mine, but I will not fail my new family now. Forgive me. Watch over me and those I love. May I yet make you all proud.’
“I am not going to let one Dunlending ruin our plans,” I then said aloud, turning to face Waelden. “My grandpapa would always say, ‘Stand your ground, little cub.’ My grandmama would say ‘Remember your bloodline.’ My mother would just love me.
“My father said similar things. "Stand up! Move your feet! Always look forward!" Waelden replied.
“It sounds hard, but they were right. We achieve nothing by lamenting our lot. Let’s move on, for their sake, and ours.”
He nodded. “For those who came before, and pushed us on, and for the one we have ahead, for Ethel, so we can do the same for her.”
“You know I love her as if she were my own?’
“I know.”
I nodded to the horses, standing together some distance away. Both were watching us with rather baleful eyes. ‘Lets go,’ they were telling us.
“Let’s go back,’ I said.
As we rode away, I kept my eyes ahead. The pain was still there, a cutting wound in my heart. But it would heal. I would make sure of that.
