It is snowing in the Northshire. I opened my eyes this morning and looked outside the window and, as if by magic, the Greenfields are now covered in a soft white blanket, so I decided to make myself a cup of tea and some breakfast and come back to bed with my journal. So here I am, all snuggled and warm, looking at the snow gently falling outside. In the peace and quietness of the last few days I had a lot of time to think about things, and about the lost sausages of course, though they will not be the subject of today.
There are things one cannot mend, there are hurts that run too deep in the heart. And yes I know what you are going to say : “Just get some glue, Amorey.” if only it was that easy . How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on ? I guess the coziness of my bed and the beauty of the snow outside are making me more thoughtful than usual, which is just fine, as even hobbits can have big thoughts in their heads sometimes.
I think I can easily say that last year was not me best. From the word ‘go’ it has been a wild ride of events and emotions and feelings. For me it has been an incredibly daunting and humbling experience. Amidst the backdrop of disappearing sausages and heartbreak, I lost two precious lives within a week of one another when both my parents died after a short illness.. You literally can’t make this up and every time, it serves as a reminder – showing me the full glory of life, its tremendous beauty and sadness.
When someone you love and care for is no longer in your life the grief and pain one feels are almost unbearable. I find myself thinking of death and rebirth; of seasons and cycles. Life changes, we change, the seasons turn, some people come and go from our lives, but leave behind footsteps in the heart, and memories (good and bad) that should be treasured forever. I didn't expect to be quite so rattled by events last year. "It's just a life change," I tell myself, trying desperately to believe me own words.
But, in fact, someone has died: my parents of course, and in so many ways my ‘happy’ self. My younger self, who seems so different than the hobbit I am now, for she was stronger and thus quicker, bolder, and full of hope. That young woman with beautiful and sad eyes and a gentle smile is inside of me, of course, but I am not her; I will never be her again. For months I have carried the weight of loss like pebbles in my pocket - pebbles rubbed smooth by handling - finding comfort in their feel, their rattling sound, their familiarity.
But eventually I really must empty out my pockets, before those little stones damage my soul. I'm thinking now of a last night in a forest, saying goodbye to a place that had held so much of my life and so many of my dreams. I'd wanted to let it go lovingly, gracefully, and I was surprised by just how hard that was. The ghost of my younger self stood beside me, growing thinner, paler, more insubstantial with every moment that passed. I sat there under an ancient tree and made a fire under the stars.
In the stillness of that moment I acknowledged all the blessings I'd received there, all the blessings that still live in my memories. This is what I wanted to take back home to the Shire: this good fellowship and these good memories, not the stony weight of loss and grief for a phase of life that had reached its natural end. But of course we don't control these things. Grief comes when it will, and takes the time it takes, and there's no short-cut to moving through it. Grief must be honored. It's the heart's clear measure of the value of what we've loved, and what we've lost.
Here in the Northshire, it's been a long cold winter...but every now and then the sun breaks through. I put on my warm cloak, whistle for the dog, and we make our way through hills that glimmer like the pale colors of one of my paintings. These colors remind me that grief will pass. Winter will pass. I have re-learned joy many times before, and I am simply doing it one more time. My land, my people, my home lifts and sustains me, the road goes on and on....
...and spring is coming.
