I am in love, I have been almost since the first day we met. Something drew me to him but I know not what. Our courtship was difficult for me. He was not monogamous. But I felt it was not his choice exactly but more one of low self-esteem. It came from all his past loves. Men who used him, men who abused him, and men who left him. If the men I had loved been such to me, would I have been the same as Egfor, I can’t say. I think I would have become a complete loner, standing where no one could see me but I could watch everyone. But who am I to say.
So many people thought me a fool, those who knew me as I watched him with other men. Told me I deserved better. They did not understand, and sometimes neither did I. But my heart is a stubborn creature, I could not unlove him any more than I could walk into Mordor with no armor or weapons and expect to live.
There were many times I hurt, and the hurt was deep. I even asked Cesistya why love hurts so much and she told me because it feels so good. Maybe now I am finally understanding her words, but then, they made no sense to me. They were glib sayings, something people spouted off to appease someone who just lost a loved one. That is how they felt when I first heard them. Now there is a ring of truth about them.
Egfor is mine and I am his. But more importantly, the two of us make a whole. We balance each other's weak parts. For example, he sees only the good in people. It probably explains why he can continue to love someone who constantly hurts or tries to hurt those he loves. Why he lets them push him around, and why he is afraid to stick up for them when he should. Me, I rarely see the good in adults. I am quick to find their faults and see their manipulations. I get upset because I am not one to judge, or at least I try to not be.
I am his, and will always be his. I will not stray, nor will I ever falter in my love to him. Even if I wish he would abandon some of his friends I will be polite to them for his sake. No matter how much I despise them. But I understand his needs and he understands mine. That is how we make each other whole. We give what the other needs and care about their happiness. Apart we are only half men, together we are whole. We shall grow old together and never falter.
