As of this week, I have decided to start doing more labor in person down at the market and not let my colleagues do all the work for me. I feel as though it keeps my head and hands busy and lets me focus on other things than what has been plaguing my thoughts when I sit and read all day by myself. So far, it is working wonders.
For some reason, this has given me more time and energy to think about how I act around people and how I am perceived. From a constructive standpoint, belive it or not. Long story short, I have come to realize that my personality is torn between the culture of Harad and the culture of Bree.
When I first got here I felt entitled and superior to pretty much everyone and everything, as I saw myself as a noble. Even though I despised everything the word meant and stood for back home. And as time has passed, this feeling still resides in me for some god forsaken reason. This disgusting feeling of superiority. But at the same time, as I hinted at earlier, I have come to want to be a simple man. A man of Bree, at that.
I belive this odd mix of feelings, ambitions and culture is what has driven people like Ristiinna away from me. One moment, I am a proper and well mannered man but right the next moment, I can threaten to kill those who I belive oppose me. It is quite childish, really.
So now I hope to change. I have met a few new people at the pony and down at the market these last few days and I have caught some interest for one in particular. I hope my new understanding of myself will make sure I do not push her away.
