((neatly penned in Lumi-kieli))
What a storm of things to be feeling, and all of them piling on top of one another. I have been sitting and thinking and trying not to write until I had thought enough that my thoughts, when I wrote them, would be clear. That sometimes helps me to find that clarity. But all I have really done is make clear to myself how jumbled and uncertain I am.
Lycaon told me that Godwin is dead, and gave me his mother's ring, the one that G had said one day he might give me if we were ever a family. And this happened the day before the day I had decided that, if I did not hear from him by then, I would declare myself free of any promises I had made to him by agreeing to woo, and then ask Nalleni to woo. She already said that she intended to say yes.
One thing that is clear is that I am angry at him, which seems very stupid. I told him he was doing too much! Taking too many risks. The night he came in with a gash in his leg and I nearly vomited, I felt certain he would end up with a worse wound. How could he go off and get himself killed when he was supposed to be wooing me? He even told me he would stay working in town where it was more safe, but then he went off to the wilds north of the city of the bridge, to fight I do not even know what.
That is what I am thinking and I know it is ridiculous. I feel as if he broke his promise to me. Yes, he did, he said he would stay in town and he did not, but that is not the promise that my thoughts keep coming back to. When we agreed to woo, we were putting each other first, to the exclusion of others, yes? And I have been struggling so hard to stay true to this, despite his absence, despite how much I am falling in love with Nalleni. And then he put some strangers on a farm ahead of me? That is how I feel but it is absurd. He did not break any promise; wooing does not mean you will not work, or do what is needful. He was doing the right thing to try to save those who needed saving, and I am proud of him for that. Though one of the farmers died anyway, it seems likely that he saved the others. That is not breaking a promise to me, to do this, but it feels like it is, enough to make me angry.
I also wonder about what this means, if anything, about the wind-spirits. At long last I was able to give away the ill-gotten gold penny, to the doctor, to use for helping those in need. I also gave him six more bars of the soap I am making, just because I can, and a doctor can make good use of it. (I am not sure if there is a difference between doctor and healer.) Things should be getting better for me now. And most things are. Butterbur promoted me and increased my salary and no longer insists on Suojelija being inspected. I have made several big tips (gave most of one of them away to another woman who has been having hard times). I even have been selling some soap in market, and that bracelet to Nathan for Kelpie. And of course things with B are wonderful -- the way she reacted to the song almost made me cry with joy. But now, there was burning myself after that rude woman spoke harshly to me and made me forget my plea to the ice-spirits. Easy to dismiss as because of me forgetting the plea, but then after that, I get this news. Maybe this is the wind-spirits bringing me good fortune; perhaps if things go well with B and me, one day this will feel like a happy turn. But did G have to die for that? Even for the wind-spirits this seems like a cruel way to make things better.
Could this be a false death, like ((a word is blotted out here))?
I am sad to think that maybe this ends his family. His parents were dead and he never spoke of brothers and sisters. That would explain why the ring came to me.
What I am agonizing over the most now is this: what next? I have to talk to B about it. Today is the day I was going to take off his bracelet (not the one I was making for him, the one I made out of the necklace he gave me) and declare myself free of my promises to him, and then ask B to woo. But would it now be wrong, insensitive, too hasty, to do that when I was going to do it anyway? How must it seem, one day after I learn of his death, to be already seeking the love of someone else? People will not know that I was already planning that, had even already spoken to B about it. Maybe I should wait, but how long? I will ask B. Perhaps between us we will find some wisdom. Or at least think who else to ask. Perhaps Aellwenn would have some advice for me, if I can get some of her time.
The other question that I am not yet clear about is the ring. I do not know what to do with it. I cannot wear it as a ring. To wear it at all seems odd, to keep a memory of a man that I spent so little time with (barely more than I had with Mister Baraque). But I also do not think it should be put away in a box somewhere and forgotten, nor should he. He was never unkind to me, and perhaps if he had not been too busy being away, doing his heroics, we would have been married one day. And he died a hero. If I finished the bracelet I was making for him and integrated into it some of the stones from the necklace, and that ring, and wore that, would it be strange for me to be wearing something that is made of memories of him, after I am wooing with B, and maybe much later, making a family with her?
Reminders:
finish the two bracelets for Egfor (I have barely gotten to start on them)
choose more Lumi-kieli words to teach Nalleni
get prices for more flowers and other things to add to soap
go out into the woods to gather plant fibers for wicks, then try candles
remind B about 'beeswax' for candles
