[The writing is in Aduniac, separate sections of the journal entry displaying completely different writing styles, as if written out in different times despite being the same entry.
The first section is informal and sloppy, with many errors in writing and grammar, as if written half asleep.
The second section is far more neat and orderly at first, then hastily declines into sloppier work.
The third section starts out sloppy, then gets neater, then gets sloppy again. The last paragraphs seems to have tear stains on them.]
~~~
Madaurbeth,
I am writing this barely awake, feeling sore but feeling very happy I geuss. Egfor told me to writ ten things Im thankful for every night and every morning. Last night I got distrcated though
But I should write those ten things.
1 Since hes on my mind, Nimraph. He understands me more than anyone, in any other way. In scary ways adn dark ways. We have a shared shame ni teh past. We ar one in the same. He loves me, gennuinelly cares for my wel lbeing. I never fetl anythin like that bef re, and he ecxites me. I wouldnt want any one else, despgardless of hsi fears.
2 I'm thankful fo------
Wow, feel asleep again. And my writing is atrocious. Now that I am sitting at a desk I should buckle down and finish this.
2.) I am thankful for my friends. Demlemoth and I have not been on the best terms recently, and I still feel hurt by some of his words, but I am still very grateful for all he has done for me, even with how difficult I can be. Egfor is the sweetest person I have ever met. He is willing to probe me, probe my ugliness, and help me become something better. Demlemoth and Egfor care for me, and it gives me feelings faintly similar to my mother cradling me, singing to me, when I was a child. Am I so soft and pathetic now that I act like a child with them? Demlemoth called me a child, maybe it does. But I should be writing what I am thankful for, not why I feel like there's salt on my wounds right now.
3.) I am thankful for nature. I love plants and wildlife and the sky and water. Wait, I suppose that is, four things. Maybe.
7.) I am thankful for food. Food is something I can tell so many people here take for granted, but in Nurn we worked long, long hours and only had one meal a day if lucky. That is, one full meal. Sometimes, we only had a morsel of fish per day. Now, not only am I able to eat up to three meals a day, but I can eat food fit for only the most elite in Mordor, even better than the elite in Mordor ever received. I can eat sweet things, when sweets were non-existent then. I can sit down with a hot beverage as I read, and I can share a hearty feast with friends. I can cook too. Nimraph told me my blueberry muffins are the best things he had ever tasted. I should bake those for him again - and me too. I like my blueberry muffins. Speaking of food, I have realized that the sun is high above the sky and I have not eaten yet. I will return.
Oh, Utumno below! I was asked why I woke up so late by Egfor's sister. The energetic one who reminds me of him. I just had to admit I was up late last night, had to be asked why. I was too bashful to respond, of course I was! But she saw right through it and teased me relentlessly about being lucky, scoring, and stuff. I came back here as soon as I had food on my plate.
8.) I am thankful for clothes. I love trying on new clothes, trying new styles. I like feeling pretty. I like feeling like I somehow compare to the beauty of the flowers.
9.) I am thankful for... Wow, this is hard. I hate that I have to do this every day. I am certainly not thankful for writing this. Ugh. I am thankful for - oh how could I forget this! I am thankful for education! I am thankful that I can read and understand things, learn about the world and everything in it. I love lore, and history, and plants! I will never have enough knowledge, I think. I crave knowledge, and understanding, and the ability to know anything and everything. I am so truly thankful for my start on education, one of the few things I am truly thankful my father introduced me to in Gorgoroth.
10.) I am thankful that this list is over. That counts right? It had better, because I am using this.
Now, I should probably write that apology letter to myself.
Dear me, whatever my name is,
I am sorry. For what? I don't know. I don't think I deserve apologies, or forgiveness. I was Aglarari the Heir of Aglarzor. I was Aglarari the Rancorous. I was an evil disgusting wretch who became the very dictator I feared as a child. All the innocents I tortured and killed. All the rivals I humiliated and disfigured in retaliation. All the cowardice, running away from Mordor the moment I got the chance.
No.
No, Egfor is wrong. I do not deserve forgiveness, or an apology, especially from myself. I deserve for Demlemoth to stay angry at me. I deserve for my father to take me back and torture me until I die of the wounds. I deserve Nimraph to scare and hurt me like he fears. I deserve even more than all of that, the thing I fear and despise the most - captivity. I deserve to be stuck here, for the rest of my life. I deserve this cage, being trapped behind bars until old age accepts my cell. I deserve to yearn for freedom I can never have. I deserve the endless sorrow of the passing of time, isolated and without the freedom I so desperately crave.
I will write no apology letter to myself.
