Madaurbeth,
I will admit, I need to get out of the house more. Or do I? I have seen Egfor and Falena for the first time in a long time, it feels like. I wonder what drew me to the Pony last night? A desire to reconnect? My wanderlust? I have no clue. But not everything was happy. I have no idea how to approach Ristiinna after the fiasco with Rue and her trash choice for a lover. I just have no clue. I was pretty much told I was crazy, but I think my shock was justified. At the same time, was I too harsh with her? My father berating me felt like the worst thing in the world back when. And now, I fear of instilling those same fears in someone I care about.
Eira the Rancorous. Huh. Has a terrible, frightening ring to it. I hate it!
But I feel intensely nervous around her. I have only been to the Pony once or twice, and all I can do is faintly make eye contact and watch her wistfully. What is wrong with me?
Ugh. Eira the Rancorous. Eira the Ghost. Eira the Coward.
I either run away or viciously attack when stressed. And I somehow have done both back to back.
But the stress just disappears when I'm home. For the first time in my life, I stayed inside our houses and take care of my family. I get wanderlust, yes, but at the same time I want nothing more. Nimraph has been so sweet to me. I wake up later in the day due to poor sleep, turn my head. On the bed stand is a safe tea with honey and my Sindarin book I have been learning from. And I adore the boys! Dammon and Briar are fascinated with the stray I found, Pebble, and take extra time to - well. Dammon takes extra time to care for him like he helped me nurse Obsidian. Briar chases Pebble around every time he sees him.
Don't tell anyone, Madaurbeth, but I think Obsidian is jealous of Dammon and Pebble.
There was this one evening, Nimraph came to our new house from the library across the street. I was just... content. Briar was playing with toys next to the fireplace, and I think Dammon and I bother dozed off from the reading lesson. Nimraph walked in, stood at archway. All of us together like this, waking up to this, it fills me with indescribable joy. Since leaving Mordor, I have always thought I could never settle. I always wanted to explore, roam, taste freedom. And while I still yearn to sail the seas of the world and walk through the gardens of Ithilien, that can wait. I want to be here more.
I want to look up from a book to see Nimraph kneeling down, reaching out and touching my pregnant stomach. I was to laugh as Briar rips through the yard to get his wiggles out. I want to watch Dammon becoming the caretaker of animals I somehow became. And I know the pain will be excruciating, but I want to give birth to the twins and hold them in my arms at long last. Just let me stay in this simple yet wonderful paradise. I never felt so at peace in my life.
But I have to remember that I have friends outside my home. And how could I forget? I feel more distant from all my friends than I ever had. I should try to reestablish those connections, even if some wrecks my anxiety more than others.
Eira the Anxious? Huh. I used to be Aglarari the Rancorous. What happened to me...
~ Eira.
P.S., Falena agreed to help me learn more sewing. I can't wait to make those high heel boots! Nimraph will most certainly fall head over heels then! Did I just make a pun?
~ Eira.
