((neatly penned in Lumi-kieli))
I had expected to be writing often as we travelled, but now we are only a day or two from Bree and I have not written anything since we left Shire. Looking back, my last page was about Lothaer, and my worries that Beri might lose interest in me. I cannot say that those fears are gone forever, but they seem very far away now. Lothaer did not travel with us, though she saw him again once near the southern bounds of Lumi-mâ while I was resting. I do not really know what is between them, and that is somewhat worrisome, but she still seems to want to have me.
Spending an extra day in Brockenborings, then getting out late when we finally left Shire, then while we made our way through the lands by the brown river we spent more extra time looking for the spot where I was to be ransomed, and a lot of other things like this while we traveled, means we are going to be returning to Bree some two or three weeks later than I expected. Oh, and we also spent a day at the risen lake; I got to briefly see Inurawen, though Arthfael was out, not surprisingly. Beri seemed ill at ease there. She found the old keep so distressing we left it almost immediately, and her feelings about meeting Inurawen, knowing my history with her, confused me. And we also spent a little more time making our way through Lumi-mâ so I could show her where I tumbled near Pynti-peldot, and then we spent more time in the fields coming in with flowers even while there was still spring snow in the shadowed areas, and one time we caught a late burst of snow flurries, and of course the sky-ribbons, which we did not see until we were nearly into Sûri-kylä.
Though it was warm as spring, Beri was cold and continued wearing her woolens even when we stayed in the Great Lodge, and I set a fire besides. The lack of meatless food was difficult for her. All in all, she seemed very uncomfortable with everything about life amongst my people, and it was clear that, even if we had ever considered the idea of living there (we were not), it could not be. The way we live so close together and rely on each other to respect each other's privacy was totally foreign to her, even after I explained it, and I think it would take her a long time to adjust to it. Even after a few days there, her discomfort did not ease as much as I hoped. Every time she saw furs, especially bear furs, it hurt me to see the hurt in her eyes, and I wanted to apologize for everything, on behalf of all my people, but that also made me want to defend us, to explain that while the Vales might be fertile and gentle enough to eat only honey and cream and cakes, it is not so easy for others. (Äiti was very impressed by her honey-cakes.) I wonder if I will feel just as ill at ease amongst her people, not knowing the things they say in their language, not understanding their customs.
But my parents approved of her almost immediately. Äiti of course put her through some testing, but it became clear right off that her concern, other than being sure that she loved me and would stand by me, was whether or not she took me seriously. I do not know if Beri realized that was the thrust of the testing, but it was over quickly. I knew she had passed the test when äiti set to trying to feed her. They even went out of their way to accommodate her, giving us privacy without her even realizing how big a deal that was. Isä also lectured me about not singing enough, but he seemed very pleased that I had written a song for Beri, and that that song is what prompted her to propose. (Neither of them seemed very impressed by our necklaces, or their tale, though.)
To my surprise we also met Sofie briefly, and she spoke very kindly to me, saying I was always welcome. I did not see any of the others, though. Vuokkhu apparently went to be with the spirits, which made me very sad, but I hope that she now runs free with the hirvit amongst the stars. My brother is back in the hunter's camp so I did not get to see him.
Being back there awakened a mass of feelings; reminders of how lonely I felt then, how desperately I wanted to make friends, how lost I felt, but also how warm and familiar everything was, and how much stronger and more confident I am than I was then. I suppose I felt like, now that I am older and stronger and more traveled, I could make a life there better than I could have before, but I did not feel like I wanted to. I think I would miss other places, other people, too much, and I would fall too quickly into having the people there grow weary of me. Of course since Beri could not live there it is a moot point. But I would not mind being close enough to visit once or twice a year. Maybe one day if we settle near Bree, perhaps in the woods but close enough for me to go to town and even keep working for Mister Butterbur, we will take a yearly trip up to see my family. Maybe also to the Vales, which we will probably do after a week or two in Bree. I think we will be timing it well for going there when the way through the High Pass is at its easiest.
When we are back in Bree, and before we set out for the Vales, I will need to buy a new journal. This one only has a few more pages. And I have jars of hillot jam to trade, too. I hope I see Frimsi to sell him a few, as I promised I would. And we need to restock food, including more waybread, not just Bottle Cakes.
