I retreated to my abode in Pemberth. I needed the solitude, the time to think and the distraction. Even now, so long after the threat is over, it still feels to me like these brick and thatch constructs are little more than sturdy traps. I looked, but I tried not to see, the tall walls and heavy ceilings closed in around me like a pretty cage. I concentrated instead upon the task I had set for myself; my sewing.
It has been a long while since I have needed to do anything but small repairs on the furs of wounded warriors, but I must admit that I have revelled in the chance to create a full suit of clothing for a change. The marking and measuring, the satisgfying snip of scissors through material, the soothing repetition of the stitching... it gave me time to reflect without thinking, a chance for my mind to drift free.
The recent events coalesced, crystalising for me until I could finally see what it was that had caused my flaring temper. The truth is as simple as it is complicated; I am lost. I had left a land that I knew well but understood little and spent countless months in a place that I could understand to an extent for all the danger and oddities. From there I returned to a world I thought I knew only to find that, in my absence, everything had changed. Even the few things that had previously been immutable, Davick's love for Marinette for example, were suddenly so vastly different. The more I looked around, the more I saw things and people that I thought I knew, the more it became clear that nothing was right, everything had changed and I could no longer recognise anything in this place.
I was lost and alone in a place that I should have known. Then came Vaenthal, a person who could understand how I felt. Elf or not, he knew how adrift and isolated I was for he was the same. We grew close, that shared emotion pulling us together inexorably until close became, perhaps, too close. Then, amidst the worries and fears for the consequences of our barely budding relationship, I lost him. My last tie to something that made me feel welcome and warm, understood and appreciated, was suddenly gone.
Lost, alone and with nowhere to turn. I could not even return home for I had promised to stay, to be there when two of my most cherished friends fought one another that I might stitch and clean their wounds afterwards. To my shame, I struck out at those around me, like a scared animal backed into a corner. I hissed and spat and clawed at everyone to speak with me, even Vaenthal when he returned. I was cold to him, I know that, but does the knowledge that I was protecting myself against feelings I should never have had make it any better? It is to his credit, then, that he tolerated my behaviour. He stayed when I was so unkind to him, when a lesser person would have walked away and never looked back.
Unfortunately, my mother came from Angmar to find me. Usually, this would have been pleasing for I do love her for all her harshness, but the reason for her coming was anathema to me. It would seem that Crannog wishes to see his son wed and, by my mother's agreement, I have been chosen to be his bride. This, of course, caused an argument between she and I for I will not be sold like a prized cow. I will not consent to marry a man for whom I have no strong feelings.
To my surprise Davick, whom until that point had refused to speak with me due to my association with an elf, sided with me on the matter. He even offered a duel to the death with my prospective husband for my right to make my own decisions. The thought was appreciated, but I refuse to allow anyone to die in my name. Be that as it may, I also refuse to have my fate decided for me and I will leave the tribe permanently if I must in order to assure my freedom.
After such a trying day, I spoke with Vaenthal again. Our pleasant conversation near the lakes in the northern fields unfortunately descended into an arguement. In the heat of it words of love were spoken and a surprising kiss shared to signify its end.
I know not where we go from here, he and I, but it is clear that our bond is stronger than either of us had thought. I realise that the consequences of our relationship will be many and grave. I have no doubt that both Davick and my mother will hate me for it... but.. for the first time in a long time, I am happy. I have something, someone, to hold onto now and I know that we can face these odds if we do so together.
