So endseth the Great Tale of the War of the Ring and the Mighty Lord Tallow, the best and greatest hero ever, or at least in the last few years. And so it was as it is so and Lord Tallow did pass into shadowy darkness where the light shineth not or it would not be dark and shadowy, and he did pass out of renown and song.
Yet he did not pass from great adventures, nay, many and great have been the travels Lord Tallow has travelled, and the deeds Lord Tallow hath deeded! Aye, dear reader, the tale of the War of the Ring is concluded, but the tale of Lord Tallow is just begun!
For following the War, Lord Tallow did make many great and strange adventures, each bolder than the last, and soon these, too, will be written for your enjoyment, even as they have been told in inns across the length and breadth of the land!
Marvel as Lord Nicthalion Tallow meets the Man in the Moon, and travels into the very heavens, where he does battle with the Great White Dragon! Tremble in terror as Lord Tallow recounts his latest perils, escaping from the very cooking pot of the Three-eyed Giant and riddling with a cunning boggart! Swoon as Lord Tallow reveals how he won the heart and hand of a shining star-maiden, fair and bosomy and bright! And wonder as Lord Tallow sails across the Sundering Seas and slays slithery sea serpents and still returns home in time for tea!
These, and many other adventures, will soon be recorded and sold for a very reasonable price (indeed, the price has never been lower!) in The Trials, Tribulations, Temptations, Torturements, Trysts, Travels, & Typical Brilliancies of Lord Nicthalion Tallow - Part II, The Sequel! Don’t miss out on the further extraordinary tales of the master tale-teller, the worthiest of word smiths, the Best Bard and Hero of Our Time, the one and only Lord Tallow - Master of Fate!
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If Nick Tallow ever did complete his promised sequel, no copy or record of it survives, to the betterment of good sense in this world.
There is, however, evidence that at least several copies were produced of “The Trials &etc.,” though to the best of my knowledge only the Hayward text survives. It is likely that several copies were made in Dale, and I have good reason to believe that there was at least one further copy produced in Bree-land. Further, the ledger of the Annúminas Bookhouse lists a copy of the work as having been acquired some two years following the library’s restoration. I do not know if this tome was subsequently destroyed, donated, or simply misplaced, but it is no longer in possession of the Bookhouse.
It is also not impossible that several additional copies of Tallow’s labour survive in the Shire of the hobbits. Tallow’s tales were, by all accounts, extraordinarily popular among the hobbitfolk for a brief spell. Indeed, in the year F.A. 12, it is accounted in the Shire records that there was a fierce debate in the hobbit village of Brockenborings concerning the possibility of granting “Lord Tallow” free passage to visit the village (even if temporarily), in defiance of the Shire Edict of King Elessar.
Ultimately, the bid failed and it seems unlikely to me that Tallow ever came to the Shire. But his ridiculous story enjoyed a peculiar popularity in those lands for quite some time, and it seems likely to me that the famously hoardsome Periannath may yet keep further copies of Tallow’s work. However, the discovery of these least precious of treasures is beyond my concern.
As for Tallow’s further life, scant record remains. I personally doubt that he came ever again to Gondor, or even as far south as Rohan. In his later years, he seems to have moved ever eastward (though never with any great swiftness), and in Dale he tarried for some time. The previously quoted Dalish source records that in F.A. 22, “…for the third time in as many years, the aged noble Tallow has returned to our city. Few inns now will allow him bed and board, and even those few have grown wise to his ways and impose that he pay in advance with good coin. Yet, despite his whining and wheedling, somehow he never seems to lack for coin when pressed to it, and so he tarries within these walls, possessed as he is of a knack truly extraordinary for discovering folk with tender hearts and gullible minds. But those few who will pay him homage ever dwindle, and I wonder if this is not the last we will see of this uncouth southerner…”
As for Tallow’s eventual end and fate, no record tells that tale. Whether he met with misadventure, ill health, or old age is not known, and nor is his resting place. It is possible that he ended up travelling yet further east, into lands that are strange and perilous indeed from which no tales return. Yet it is also possible that, as easily as Tallow donned the mantle of “Lord Nicthalion,” he may have seen fit to discard it again when it suited him no longer. In Stangard, there remains distant memory of one “Nictal,” an aged and scruffy card player from the North, who tarried there some seasons, telling outlandish tales even as he won hand after hand no matter the odds. But memory does not relate if this Nictal was indeed Nick Tallow of Trestlebridge, or if he died in Stangard or departed yet again in search of easy coin and cheap wine.
As such, I believe that what little truth there is to be gleaned from Tallow’s own inane and blatantly false story is now exhausted, and my duty is done. In truth, I know not how to conclude this work. Through my discovery and study of Tallow’s story, the world has not gained in artistry, in wisdom, in lore and learning, or even in idle curiosities, for this book possesses none.
Tallow’s tale, as with his life, is a banal and turgid affair, completely and utterly lacking in a single redeeming quality. It is a truly ridiculous and ludicrous piece of narrative, and the idea that through my labour other folk may happen to fleetingly chance upon Tallow’s story - or, worse, read Tallow’s story from beginning to end (incomprehensible though such a mistake seems to me) - is a truly horrifying thought.
So, I finish this mighty and wholly undeserved labour with a plea, dear reader. If there be any lesson to be learned, any passing wisdom to be gained, from the reading of Nick Tallow’s atrocious life and far more atrocious writing, let it be this. Pray, do not be Nick Tallow and pray, do not ever read this tome again, or encourage others to read it. For my part, I have laboured over this work out of duty; a duty to the preservation of all knowledge and history and a duty that I am sworn to undertake without fear or favour.
But if ever there was something to shake my conviction in that duty, then that something would be the life and works of Nick Tallow, who was the least and the worst of the mighty heroes of the War of the Ring.
