My dearest Millery,
I have the most terribly awful news ~ Uncle says I oughtn’t travel to Gamwich at all! Seems to think the workshop needs looking after while he’s away. It’s complete rot, of course, old Jock is more than capable of managing things for a week or two, but Uncle’s in one of his moods, and you know how the stubborn old fellow gets.
So, all is ruined. There’s no chance of us sneaking away together for a few days, nor of my getting to meet the hero. It’s the most wretched thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t believe Uncle would be so cruel to me, to deny me this, the greatest joy I could ever have hoped for, and a chance to boast about it to all my friends.
You must tell me all about it, my dear Millery! Tell me whether he was handsome and fair, or stern and grim? Tall and lofty, or scarred and mysterious? Make sure you speak to him, hold his hand, and tell me every last detail ~ I simply must know what he is like! Remember every last word from his mouth, that I may hear it from you and thus gain some measure of his wonderfulness. Treasure everything he says, that I might live vicariously through your memory. Do this for me, I beg of you. I shall never be happy otherwise.
Yours in perpetuity,
Violet Hareswood, 10/9
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Dear Ms. Hareswood,
I write this on the very evening of my return from Gamwich. I am not sorry to be back, for, I must confess, the great lord was rather different than I had imagined. It is not to say I was unhappy to meet him! Indeed, he was every bit as great as they say. But he seemed rather different than I might have guessed. It is not easy to explain how, exactly. Perhaps when we next meet I will be able to elucidate.
I did, at least, take copious notes (at R.’s request, he seemed to think we might have a ballad out of it for Ms. Proudfoot, though I was doubly glad to have the chance at recording the tale properly for you!) of the chief tale that old Lord Tallow told. It is rather confused, I fear, for it was not always easy to follow the lord’s story over the din of the crowd (& indeed, the lord himself did seem 1ce. or 2ce. to become rather muddled himself, for the crowd treated him most harshly).
Alas, my notes became further jumbled following the conclusion of the tale, during which the most dreadful row broke out. It was the most awful scenes, & I did half fear for my life, for good sense and kindliness alike did depart the hearts of all in attendance, though I have not the faintest idea why. Further, it seems that a whole band of Big Folk brigands had followed Lord Tallow to Gamwich for their own sordid purposes. I caught sight of one or two of them, mean & lowering fellows v. ill-favoured as you might well imagine, my dear!
Anyway! The worst of all was that, following the tale, one of these wretched louts made off with the innkeeper’s purse, which (as you might well imagine) was overflowing from the night’s business! Lord Tallow set off at once in pursuit of the ruffian, I believe. In any case, I did not see the hero again, & this misfortune made the disturbance in the Quiver still more frantic. Apparently a whole company of Bounders had to be sent in the end to restore order, though I do not think I saw any of them.
But as to more pleasant matters, come the morning, I shall write up a fair copy of my notes & enclose it with this letter. As I said, I have done little justice to the story (which in parts was v. gripping & most exciting, I thought), owing to the dreadful commotion to my every side. I can but hope that you gain some mean enjoyment from it nonetheless.
I trust you are well. Not a day went by on the road to, or from, Gamwich when I did not think of you.
With my fondest regards,
Millery Greenfield - 19.9, Michel Delving
P.S. Your uncle Hildi knew B. Baggins a little, didn’t he? Perhaps you could mention some details of the tale to him & ask if they are true, once you have had a chance to read it? I only ask because the crowd seemed most perturbed, & indeed, on rereading the story in some detail, I find myself doubtful concerning the finer points, & would be grateful for a second opinion regarding their veracity (esp. since my brother seems determined to patronise a ballad for Lily as soon as possible). If the old monster asks you where you heard all this from, tell him Mrs Rosethorn mentioned it, she came all that way just to meet the lord, if you can believe it! Mrs Puddlefoot & Ms. Downsfoot were in attendance also, if you should need some alternative source to best dodge suspicion.
P.P.S. I must travel to Stock come Thursday the week after next on business for Rickery. If you’d like, meet me down by the rushes by Oldbridge-on-the-Water after noon. With love, M.G.
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The Tale of the Story of Bilbo Baggins' Last Adventure with the Great & Renowned Lord Nicthalion Tallow, which is me
My dear ladyhobbits, gentlehobbits, and sundry nothobbits. The tale I will tell this eve is a tale perhaps familiar to some of you perhaps, but it is not a tale that is known to all of you or is all known to any of you!
But before I begin, a word of appreciation for the gracious folk of Gamwich, who have so generously given me food, lodging, and hospitality over these past weeks. Let it never be said that the spirit of good simple and rustic generosity is departed from these happy lands. Ah! but it would be a happier world, if we all could find it in our hearts to be as generous, as giving, as truly noble and ungrasping in spirit as these simple Gamwich hobbits - aye, truly I say! could we all learn a thing or two from them, and perhaps (dare I say) strive to imitate their ways and their free and admirable generosity!
So a hand of applause, a show of appreciation, please, to these Gamwich hobbits, for making this, my second stay in the Shire, so pleasantsome and loverful as it has been so.
Why yes indeed, truly did I not misspeak, this is verily indeed my second stay in the Shire, verily. And now tonight, for the first time this time, I will tell you the terrible and secret tale of how I stayed in the Shire for the first time that time, and the strange adventure that did come to happen because I was in the Shire for the first time that time before now, when I am again in the Shire another time!
So! Without further ado, adid, or adone, this is a tale of I, Lord Nicthalion Tallow, and how I had a strange adventure with a most peculiar hobbit - why indeed, the very peculiarest hobbit there ever was!
This is a tale of how I, Lord Nicthalion Tallow, had an adventure with Mad Baggins, and helped him win a treasure! But was that treasure gold, or was it something more treasuresome? Well, you’ll just have to listen to find out, won’t you!
Now, I’m sure many of you know well the story of Old Mad Baggins, and how he vanished some years ago, never to be seen by any hobbit again. But I saw him, for ‘twas I…who helped him vanish!
Now, I was a young lord at the time, of course, but I knew Mad Bilbo well, for he had adventured all over the lands of Gondor, which is where I am from. And he had found lots of treasure all across Gondor, and killed many awful enemies, and finally retired rich and content here, in the Shire.
So imagine my surprise when one day, in my castle in Gondor, one or another of my servants came up to me and said, “Lord Nicthalion, excuse me my lord, but you have a letter from the Shire, lord.”
So I opened the letter up, and read it, and this is what it said.
Dear Lord Nicthalion Tallow of the lands of Gondor,
It is your old friend Bilbo Baggins writing this. Please come urgently. I need some help and you’re the only person who can help me, on account of your brilliantosity and being a great hero besides.
Kind regards, Mr Bilbo Baggins
“Well,” said I, “I must be off at once, to see what all this is about!” So off I went at once, to the Shire.
It is many miles from my home in Gondor where my home is to the Shire, which is here where I am now even now upon this very day here, in the Shire, and on my way I had many other fantastic adventures. Then I got to the Shire, and rode straight up to Bilbo’s house, and knocked on the door.
“Go away!” screamed a voice, but I paid it no mind, for I knew Mad Baggins was quite mad. So I walked in through the door, and found Bilbo sitting in an old chair, wearing a lettuce on his head.
“Hello Bilbo Baggins,” I said, as he jumped to his feet.
“Lord Tallow!” exclaimed Bilbo because, even though he was completely loony, he still remembered me very well, on account of how memorable and great I am. “How are you?”
“Very well, thanks!” I said. “How about you?”
“Quite well, quite well,” he said politely, but I could tell he did not mean it, because he seemed extremely nervous. Also he’d written me that letter before, which I still remembered.
Then he said, “No, actually, everything is terrible, Lord Nicthalion, and I urgently need your help!”
“Of course, old chum,” I said magnagenerously. “Just calm down and tell me what the bother is.”
“Well!” he said, “It’s like this. You remember all those years ago when I had all sorts of strange dashing adventures all over the place and became fabulously rich and then came back to the Shire?”
“Yes, of course!” I said, for how could I have forgotten our old adventures. “How could I forget?”
“Well, ever since I came back, I’ve had the most wretched luck. All sorts of terrible misfortunes and unfortunate circumstances. And now, I find myself without a single penny left, nor a brass button nor a glass bead! Only this lettuce to keep me comfort, for I am not even married!” And weeping, he took the lettuce from his head and ate it up. “And now I don’t even have any more lettuce!” he wailed.
“I see,” I said seeingly.
“So, there’s only one thing for it!” declared Bilbo. “I must go on another adventure again at once, to seek my fortune! And you, Lord Nicthalion, must help me!”
“Very well,” said I. “Of course I’ll be happy to help, old friend. Shall we set out at once?”
“No!” he said. “First, I will hold a magnificent party in my honour and then, using your magic, I will vanish right in the middle of it, to cause a massive fright!”
“But why?” I asked. “Would it not be better just to slip away quietly, in the middle of the night, unobserved by friend and foe alike? Why do you want to make such a scene of your disappearance?”
“Because I’m MAD!” laughed Bilbo madly.
So it was settled. Bilbo needed treasure, and I was to help him find some. So, the next day, Bilbo held his magnificent party, and all the Shire was there - perhaps some of you remember it? But what you may not remember is that I, Lord Nicthalion Tallow, was also there, because Bilbo had asked me to be there! But I hid behind a tree, so as not to be noticed by anyone and so I could do my magic.
Then, right in the middle of the party, in front of every hobbit in the entire Shire, I uttered a magic word and snapped my fingers and lo! in that very moment, Bilbo vanished with a flash and a crash and reappeared by my side! And, as all the hobbits ran about and wondered where Bilbo had vanished off to, Bilbo said to me, “Good work, Lord Tallow. Now let’s be off, to find my fortune. Again!”
So, laughing, off we set into the wilds, and we wandered high and low and in between all over the place in our wanderings, as we looked for some treasure for Bilbo. And as we went, Mad Baggins sang all sorts of silly songs, and they made no sense, for he was quite mad.
La-di-lay-di-tiddely-tum,
Off we go, hurrah, by gum!
Ta-ti-tay-ti-tiddely-tay,
Let’s go find some treasure today!
Ru-li-wai-li-wikkety-whack,
I’ve been gone and now I’m back!
Tu-ti-lai-ti-tikkety-ding,
Gold I’ll stuff in my purse and sing!
Po-ki-hey-ki-piddely-pat,
Let’s discover this or that!
To-ki-tay-ki-hiddely-ha,
Now we’ll find our fortune, ha!
So, well, poor old Bilbo’s song wasn’t right at all! Because for weeks we wandered about, looking for treasure in all the usual places, in haunted castles and dragon’s caves and sunken cities. But never a bit of gold or the smallest gem did we find, for other adventurers had gotten there first and grabbed it all! And as we searched, we began to despair, though my despair was a heroic and noble and silent kind of despair, and Bilbo’s despair was quite mad, and he chewed his nails and wore his trousers inside out.
But then! dear listenerhobbits, what do you think happened? Because one day, when we’d come to the edge of the world and the edge of our hope, we came to a tiny village, next to an enormous castle, and the castle was all scary and big and evil. And we asked the villagers if there was an adventure in the castle, and they said aye! there was an adventure in the castle.
For in the castle dwelt a huge, horrible, troll, all green and slimy and awful. And, being experienced treasure hunters, Bilbo and I went off to the castle.
So we rode right up to the gate, in the dead of night…wait. Damnit. No, no, that can’t be right…it would be the dead of night in a few hours, but right now it was dusk, that sort of twilight time when the sun is about to set but not quite.
And there we were, riding up the road to the castle, when we heard the most strangest sound we had ever heard in that place. ‘Twas the sound of a maiden, crying! And it made sense that she was crying, for it was a horrible place and nasty, but it was strange that she was there at all.
So we came up, and what do you think Bilbo and I saw before us? Why, nothing but the most beautifullest hobbit princess you ever did lay eyes upon! She had golden hair and dainty feet, and was clad all in green, and she was sitting by the castle and weeping and wailing in great unhappiness.
So of course, Bilbo and I stopped by her, and I said, “Hello, fair hobbit lass. What’s your name, and how did you come to be in this horrible place? Also, I am Lord Nicthalion Tallow and this is my old mate Mr Bilbo Baggins.’ And Bilbo bowed very low and kissed the hobbit’s hand, and thus did I know that he loved her deeply, for she was very pretty. But erm, I, erm, of course, did not fancy her, because that would be wrong and very strange besides. But I could tell she was extremely beautiful in a hobbity sort of way, because I am learned in these matters.
And on hearing my kindly words, she stopped weeping and sniffling and all that and looked up and said, “Oh, hello Lord Nicthalion and Mr Baggins.” And then she said also in addition, “My name is Princess Amalda.”
“Princess Amalda,” said Bilbo in amazementment. “Well, I say!” And he doffed his cap and pulled out a rabbit from it, and we all laughed at how crazy he was.
“But, Princess Amalda,” said I. “How come you to be out all alone on this road at dusk just before the sun has set but not quite, and outside this horrible castle?”
And she said, “Have you not heard, oh wise Lord Tallow? A fearsome troll lives in this castle! And that is why I weep.”
“Ah,” I said. “Because you’re afraid the troll will come out and eat you all up?”
“No, Lord Tallow,” answered Princess Amalda, and she stood up, as the sun set below the horizon and now it was finally actually night time. “Because I am the troll.”
Now, gentle audience! do not blanch. But pray, cover the ears of your youth and your maidens, for a horrible thing did then happen to start happening. Suddenly, Princess Amalda started growing! Her skin turned green and she swelled to a size most grotesque, and her ears twisted and changed, and suddenly she was towering over us and also she was a troll!
“AND NOW,” thundered Princess Amalda, “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALL RIGHT UP!”
“Quick, Bilbo!” I commanded. “We must slay this monster and steal her treasure!”
But Bilbo, to my surprise, didn’t pull out his sword at all. Instead, he said, “Oh! That’s a surprise! Is there a spell on you, then?”
And Princess Amalda answered in a trollish voice, “Yes, there is! Every night am I cursed to take on this hideous form, and therefore am I shunned and feared by people!”
“Is that so?” I said. “But surely there must be a way to break the curse.”
“There is,” she said. “But alas! it is quite impossible that it should ever come to pass. For…the only thing that could ever break this curse…is to be kissed by my true love. And who could ever love a troll, green and slimy and massive like me?”
And then, the strangest thing yet happened. For Bilbo stepped forward, and he said, “I love you, Princess Amalda. For truly, your beauty is great on the outside, but it is within that your greatest beauty is, I deem, I think. May I kiss you?” And he said that even though she was quite grotesque.
And we all wept at how wise and noble the spirit of Bilbo was. And Amalda, weeping the most of all, said, “Yes, Mr Baggins. For your deeds are renowned for their renown all over the land, and long have I hoped to meet you. And now I find you to be even more handsome than I had ever guessed.”
So, Princess Amalda bent down and kissed Bilbo Baggins, and suddenly a magic golden dust swirled all around them and thus was it definitely true that it was true love’s kiss and the curse was finally broken at last for good. But then, my dears, as the golden dust unswirled again and stopped being all around them, the strangest sight yet did meet our eyes.
For there, I saw Princess Amalda - but the curse was not broken at all, she was still a hideous troll. But standing beside her now, ten feet tall and green as grass, was Bilbo!
Bilbo, too, had just become a troll. Just like Amalda.
“Goodness!” I said after a moment. “Look, Bilbo. Now you’re a troll too, just like Amada. Quick, we must find some way to undo this spell, and soon, for…”
But Bilbo Trollbaggins cut me off with a great booming laugh. “No, my good friend and best of friends Lord Tallow,” he answered. “No, I quite like it like this! I think as a troll will I stay!”
“Are you sure?” I asked, doubtfully. “Would you really like to stay like this…forever? It seems most unwise to me!”
“Well,’ said Bilbo Baggins with a laugh. ‘To be fair. I am quite mad!”
And we all laughed very very merrily.
And that, dear folk, is the true tale of how your very own Bilbo Baggins, from here somewhere about here, lost a treasure, but found a greater one…the treasure of true love. And it is also why he could never again return to the Shire, because he was a great big horrible green troll in a castle somewhere far far away.
