Lustwyn brought up a question that has caused me to think of something other than the current troubles. She asked me if I trust her. Had that been the extent of her query, I would have answered in the affirmative because I do, in fact, trust the girl. However, she was very specific in stating that she meant trust of a higher order; unquestioning, visceral, blind trust.
It upset her a little when I gave a negative response, but I will not lie to her on this or any other matter. It is simply beyond me to place that amount of trust in anyone. I cannot see how a person claiming to have a mind of their own could possibly do so. Not even Davick engendered that level of faith in me.
I must suppose that it is nice to have someone in whom we have no doubt, someone we can be irrevocably certain will not hurt, betray us or let us down in any way. Even I find that to be an attractive prospect. However, the very nature of such a belief brings me doubts, for to be unquestioning is to be unthinking and that is irrational.
For so long I was without the will to think for myself. For so long I believed that I had no mind of my own, that I was simply an extension of another persons desires. For so long did I obey without question because I knew the consequence of refusal. Those days are gone now and, with the aid of Davick and Bearn, I was able to learn a new way to be. With their help, I fought long and hard to overcome the teachings that had been beaten into me. With their support, I became capable of questioning the world and the people around me, their plans, their motives, their reasons and actions. That, I believe, is a rich gift indeed and it is not one that I would lay aside lightly.
The ability to think, to question, to consider the possible outcomes of any undertaking, is both precious and necessary for a person to be truly free. It is not the only thing to comprise freedom, of course, but it is essential, for one who does not own their own mind cannot own themselves and thus are little more then slaves whether or not their bodies are allowed to wander.
To follow blindly the orders of another, to act without forethought because someone else desires it of you, to believe without question everything that is said, is anathema to an unfettered mind. It is to give up ones right to thought and the worst excuse imaginable to claim a lack of responsibility for ones actions. "She told me to do it," is not an adequate defense because she was not the one to act. She did not guide the hand that did the deed, she was simply the one to request that it be done. The will to do it came from the one to complete the action, making the responsibilty for the act their own.
One can trust in another, place faith in them and their word, yet still remain seperate and apart, able to cogitate the consequences and view the matter from a differing perspective. One can trust in another whilst disliking or disagreeing with that it is that they do. One can trust in another yet harbour doubts.
Bearn, Davick, Baradar, Blodwynn, Theoger, Lustwyn and Cyfier. All of these people I trust, but all of them I will continue to question. To do otherwise is folly.
