Secret Diary Entry III: A Kiss is Just a Kiss... or is it?

Dear Diary,

I had not thought to make use of you again, yet once again, here I find myself, going against my mentor's instructions and my better judgement. But I am a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. This is personal, not business and I must tell someone! And so you become the listening ear to whom I can pour forth my tale. No doubt I am being foolish in the extreme. Once again jeopardising my position, my reputation, my work here. And for what? A kiss... nothing more than this. But such a kiss! And from whom you ask? A man... but such a man... one of ill-repute and with a bounty on his head no less! What is it that fascinates me so about him? I hardly know... he is interesting, his face marked by the life he has led, his conversation stimulating. Though he has several preconceptions about me I will not disillusion him of. Not yet at least. Perhaps it merely strokes my ego to think that he dares to see me in spite of being so wanted. Nay, he dared the guards and others because he wanted a kiss from me. I was disinclined to accede to his wishes, especially after what ##### had told me. He has the reputation of being a womaniser. And yet, I wanted him to kiss me. What is it about such men that raises my interest? Is it a challenge? To see if I can outface them? To see if I will succumb to their hollow words and pretty lies? If so, I have failed the test miserably. I wanted him to kiss me, but not without some effort. I will not be thought of as 'easy', no matter what some people may say. I can still count the number of men that have kissed me on one hand. And so, things did not quite go as he intended. Or perhaps they did. His first attempt resulted in us both falling and becoming entangled. After a brief struggle, we managed to sit, ending up quite close. In spite of his reputation, he does have something of the gentleman in him. He would not kiss me without that I would be a participant. And yet, what was it that happened with #####? He admits to kissing her. Did she let him? I can hardly credit it, yet he would not kiss me without that I willed it also. It is confusing. Do I care about him? I think I may be starting to. It would be best to cut the contact with him at once, but he makes me feel so alive! No doubt he is merely playing with me, though he said he cared about my opinion. He too, called me pretty, something that always leaves me with mixed emotions. But he also called me a vixen. For now, I will play his game, that is assuming he will want to see me again. Although, he got what he wanted, why would he return? And yet, he said he would...